Frasier Remake and Recast
by greendogtheater
Summary: basacially a retelling of Frasier but with my OCs in it.
1. The Good Son (Pilot)

Act One.

THE JOB

FRASIER CRANE...KELSEY GRAMMER

ROZ DOYLE...PERI GILPIN

NILES CRANE...DAVID HYDE PIERCE

WAITRESS...GINA RAVARRA

DELIVERYMAN...CLETO AUGUSTO

ROCKO MARSHALL...MANDY PATINKIN

MARTIN CRANE...JOHN MAHONEY

EDDIE...MOOSE

DAPHNE MOON...JANE LEEVES

Act One.

THE JOB

Scene One - KACL

The Frasier Crane Show. Dr. Frasier Crane, the host, is at his console,

admonishing a caller; Roz Doyle, his call-screener, is in her booth.

Frasier: [firmly] Listen to yourself, Bob! You follow her to work,

you eavesdrop on her calls, you open her mail. The minute

you started doing these things, the relationship was over!

[polite] Thank you for your call. [presses a button; to Roz]

Roz, I think we have time for one more?

Roz speaks in a soothing radio voice.

Roz: Yes, Dr Crane. On line four, we have Russell from Kirkland.

Frasier: [presses a button] Hello, Russell. This is Dr Frasier Crane;

I'm listening.

Russell: [v.o.] Well, I've been feeling sort of, uh, you know,

depressed lately. [Roz looks at the clock] My life's not

going anywhere and-and, er, it's not that bad. It's just

the same old apartment, same old job...

Roz taps on the glass of her booth and motions Frasier to wrap it up.

Frasier: Er, Russell, we're just about at the end of our hour. Let

me see if I can cut to the chase by using myself as an

example. Six months ago, I was living in Boston. My wife

had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to

me, which was excruciating. On top of that, my practice

had grown stagnant, and my social life consisted of...

hanging around a bar night after night. You see, I was

clinging to a life that wasn't working anymore, and I knew

I had to do something, anything. So, I ended the marriage

once and for all, packed up my things, and moved back here

to my hometown of Seattle. Go Seahawks! [laughs] I took

action, Russell. And you can, too. Move, change, do

something; if it's a mistake, do something else. Will you

do that, Russell? Will you? Russell...? [to Roz]

I think we lost him.

Roz: No, we cut to the news thirty seconds ago.

Frasier: [annoyed; rips off his headphones] Oh, for crying out loud!

I finally bare my soul to all of Seattle, and they're

listening to Chopper Dave's "Rush-Hour Round-Up!"

He gets up and enters Roz's booth. She is busy with administrative stuff.

Frasier: Well, the rest of the show was pretty good. [Roz says

nothing] It was a, a good show, wasn't it?

Roz: [tears him a piece of notepaper] Here, your brother called.

Frasier: Roz, in the trade we call that "avoidance." Don't change

the subject, tell me what you think.

Roz: [points at her console] Did I ever tell you what this

little button does?

Frasier: I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism. How

was I today?

Roz: [turns her chair to face him] Let's see... you dropped two

commercials, you left a total of twenty-eight seconds of

dead air, you scrambled the station's call letters, you

spilled yogurt on the control board, and you kept referring

to Jerry - with the identity crisis - as "Jeff."

Frasier considers the criticism. He decides to handle it with

avoidance.

Frasier: [takes the notepaper] You say my brother called...

Roz: Mmm-hmm.

Frasier leaves.

FADE OUT

THE BROTHER

Scene Two - Cafe Nervosa

Frasier is at the bar, reading a menu. Niles Crane, his younger

brother, is standing next to him recounting a story.

Niles: So I said to the gardener, "Yoshi, I do not want a Zen garden

in my backyard. If I want to rake gravel every ten minutes to

maintain my inner harmony, I'll move to Yokohama." Well, this

offends him, so he starts pulling up Maris's prized Camellias.

Well, I couldn't stand for that, so I marched right into the

morning room and locked the door until he cooled down.

Frasier has been nodding his head, but he has obviously not been

listening.

Niles: Tell me you would have handled it differently, Frasier.

Frasier: [looks up] Oh, I'm sorry, Niles, I didn't realise you'd

stopped talking.

Niles: You haven't heard a word I said.

Frasier: Oh Niles, you're a psychiatrist - you know what it's like

to listen to people prattling on endlessly about their

mundane lives.

Niles: Touché. And on that subject, I heard your show today.

Frasier: And?

Niles: You know what I think about pop psychiatry.

Frasier: Yes, I know what you think about everything. When was the

last time you had an unexpressed thought?

Niles: I'm having one now.

They share a chuckle. The waitress behind the bar comes over.

Niles takes his briefcase off the bar and goes to an empty table

nearby.

Waitress: You guys ready?

Frasier: Two cafe latte supremos.

He goes to the table, and watches Niles obsessively wipe his chair

dowm with a handkerchief. Niles offers the handkerchief to Frasier.

Frasier: No, thank you.

They sit down.

Niles: So, Frasier. How are you doing on your own?

Frasier: I'm fine. I love my new life. I love the solitude.

I miss Frederick like the dickens, of course. You know,

he's quite a boy. He's playing goalie on the peewee soccer

team now. Ha, he's a chip off the old block!

Niles: You hated sports.

Frasier: So does he! [laughs] The fresh air's good for him.

Niles: [laughs] Oh well, this has been fun, Frasier, but... we

have a problem, and that's why I thought we should talk.

Frasier: Is it Dad?

Niles: Afraid so. One of his old buddies from the police force

called this morning. He went over to see him, and found

him on the bathroom floor.

Frasier: Oh my God!

Niles: No, it's okay, he's fine.

Frasier: What, his hip again?

Niles: Frasier, I don't think he can live alone anymore.

Frasier: What can we do?

Niles: Well, I know this isn't going to be anyone's favourite

solution, [opens his briefcase] but I took the liberty of

checking out a few convalescent homes for him. [puts some

brochures on the table]

Frasier: Oh Niles, a home? He's still a young man!

Niles: Well, you certainly can't take care of him - you're just

getting your new life together.

Frasier: Absolutely. Besides, we were never simpatico.

Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.

Frasier: Oh yes, yes, of course, of course... why?

Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.

Frasier: Who does?

Niles: I thought you liked my Maris!

Frasier: I do. I... I like her from a distance. You know, the way

you like the sun. Maris is like the sun. Except without

the warmth.

Niles: Well then, we're agreed about what to do with Dad. [reads a

brochure] "Golden Acres: We Care So You Don't Have To."

Frasier: It says that?

Niles: Well, it might as well!

Frasier: Alright, I'll make up the spare bedroom.

Niles: Oh, you're a good son, Frasier.

Frasier: Oh God, I am, aren't I?

Downcast, he cradles his head in one hand. The waitress arrives with

their coffees.

Waitress: Two cafe supremos. Anything to eat?

Frasier: [depressed] No. I seem to have lost my appetite.

Niles: [perky] I'll have a large piece of cheesecake!

Frasier glares at Niles as teh waitress leaves.

Niles: By the way Frasier, how's that neighbor of yours? The one who lives on the other end of the hallway on your penthouse floor.

Frasier: Rocko Marshall? The janitor at Ark Lodge Cinemas? (A/N: Real movie theater in Seattle)

Niles nods

Frasier: He's okay. He just came back yesterday after being given a free pass to see The Fugitive.

Niles: Well you did tell me that his boss considers him a real asset to the movie theater despite being a lowly janitor.

Frasier: Yes. Although I'm a bit perplexed on how a man with such a low-class job could afford to pay rent at my building.

Niles: [smirking while drinking his supremo] Well maybe after he saw the film, he took Harrison Ford's bag of money.

Frasier looks unamused

Frasier: He was actually framed for murdering his wife.

Niles: [realizing] Oh yeah. I guess I have this strange tendency to think every crime film is about a bank robbery.

Frasier: [while drinks his supremo] I bet Al Pacino and his 'little friend' would get a kick out of hearing you say that.

FADE TO:

THE FATHER

Scene Three - Apartment

[N.B. The Apartment set was built on the same soundstage at Paramount

Studios that housed the set of "Cheers."]

Frasier is playing the piano. The doorbell rings; he stops playing,

shuts the keyboard lid, and disconsolately trudges to the door. Just

before opening it, he casts a melodramatic gaze over his apartment:

the last moment of solitude. Then, he opens the door.

Frasier: [upbeat] Hi! [laughs]

Niles enters; he is carrying two suitcases.

Niles: We finally made it!

Martin Crane, their father, hobbles in on a cane. He does not look

at all enthusiastic.

Frasier: Ah Dad, Dad, welcome to your new home! [hugs Martin]

Gee, you look great!

Martin: Don't B.S. me, I do not look great. I spent Monday on the

bathroom floor. You can still see the tile marks on my face.

[sits on the couch]

Niles: [to Frasier] Gives you some idea about the ride over in the

car. [puts down the suitcases]

Frasier: Well, er, here we are...

Martin, who has propped his leg on a table, accidentally kicks a

glass ornament off of the side; Frasier catches it.

Frasier: Well, rest assured the refrigerator is stocked with your

favourite beer, Ballantines, [places the glass ornament on

a small folding table] and we've got plenty of hot links

and coleslaw...

Niles: Mmm!

Frasier: And I just rented a Charles Bronson movie for later!

Martin: Let's cut the "Welcome To Camp Crane" speech. We all know

why I'm here. Your old man can't be left alone for ten

minutes without falling on his ass, and Frasier got stuck

with me. Isn't that right?

Frasier and Niles glance uncomfortably at each other.

Frasier/Niles: [laughing] No, no!

Frasier: I want you here! It'll give us a chance to get reacquainted!

Martin: That implies we were acquainted at one point.

Niles fakes some chuckles, Frasier glares at him.

Niles: Well listen, [picks up the suitcases] why don't I take

Dad's things into his new bachelor quarters so you two

scoundrels can plan some hijinks!

He leaves.

Martin: I think that wife of his is finally driving him nutso.

Frasier: Yes, we Crane boys sure know how to marry. [goes to the

kitchen] Let me get you a beer, Dad. So, ah, what do you

think of what I've done with the place, eh? [returns and

sits on the couch, handing a beer to Martin] You know, every

item here was carefully selected. This lamp by Corbusier,

the chair by Eames, and this couch is an exact replica of

the one Coco Chanel had in her Paris atelier.

Martin: Nothing matches.

Frasier: Well, it's a, it's a style of decorating, it's called

"eclectic." [off Martin's look] Well, the theory behind it

is, if you've got really fine pieces of furniture, it doesn't

matter if they match - they will go together.

Martin: It's your money.

The doorbell rings. Frasier gets up; as he goes to the door, he

gestures at the view of the Seattle skyline offered by the balcony

windows.

Frasier: Dad, what do you think of the view? Hey, that's the Space

Needle there!

Martin: Oh, thanks for pointing that out. Being born and raised

here, I never would have known.

Frasier chafes briefly; then, he opens the door to a delivery man,

who has with him an old, battered, and aesthetically unpleasing

Barcalounger.

Man: Delivery for Martin Crane.

Martin: Oh, in here! [gets up]

Man: Coming through!

He quickly wheels The Armchair into the room. Frasier and Niles

(who has returned) look on aghast at this latest addition to the

apartment's luxury furnishings.

Frasier: Excuse me, excuse me, wait a minute-

Man: Where d'you want it?

Martin: Where's the TV?

Niles: [points] It's in that credenza.

Martin: Point it at that thing.

Man: [sees a designer chair in the way] What about this chair?

Niles: Ah, the chair? Here, let me get it out of your way.

He lifts it away carelessly, and it is replaced by The Armchair.

Frasier: [shocked] Niles, Niles, Niles, be careful with that, that's

a Wassily!

The delivery man leaves. Martin sits in The Armchair, newly

installed as the centrepiece of the apartment.

Frasier: Oh look, Dad, as dear as I'm sure this, this piece is to you

I, I just don't think it goes with anything here!

Martin: I know, it's eclectic!

He reclines, knocking over the small folding table; Frasier rescues

the glass ornament again, and rights the table. Just then, the doorbell

rings again, prompting Frasier to put the ornament safely on the table

and walks over to the door. He opens it to reveal Rocko Marshall, his

neighbor.

Rocko: Hello, neighbor!

Frasier: Hello Rocko.

Rocko: All right if I come in?

Frasier: [gestering to his living room] Well since you asked politely, I suppose there's no harm.

Rocko comes in and sees Martin as Frasier closes the door.

Martin: Hey, Rocky.

Rocko: Martin, how are you?

Martin: Fine. How was The Fugitive?

Rocko: It was great. You probably would enjoy Tommy Lee Jones if you saw it too.

Martin: I would've loved to see it, but uh, bad hip, y'know?

Martin puts his hand to his hip and Rocko raises his hands as if to say 'oh well' and looks at Martin's chair.

Rocko: Not a bad chair.

Martin; Well, thanks Rocko. [glares at Frasier] Nice to know somebody appreciates fine craftsmanship.

Rocko looks at Frasier in bewilderment.

Frasier: I'd like to explain, but I don't think you'd want to get involved.

Rocko shrugs

Frasier: So Rocko, how is Mr. Hunter?

Rocko: My boss? Well, he's a quick-tempered man, I can tell you that.

Niles comes and sees Rocko.

Nile: Hello, Mr. Marshall.

Rocko: Oh, come on Niles, no need to be so formal. Call me Rocko.

Niles: Alright. So Rocko, did you enjoy the flick seeing Indiana Jones on the run?

Rocko: I liked the movie. And fun fact; there was a tv show that the film is based on with the same name that was on in the 60s.

Niles: Sorry Rocko, me and Frasier must have missed it.

Martin: And why would you not? The Avengers is the main program these 2 humanoid penguins enjoyed watching.

Frasier and Niles look mildly offended at Martin's snark.

Frasier: Oh, hardy-har, dad! And I supose CHiPs was the TV show version of Jesus?

Martin: [defensively] Hey, don't mock CHiPs. It wasn't only my favorite show, but every cop on the force liked it so much, they paid the cable guy to reprogram our station's tv to have the channel it appears on as the only channel we've got.

Frasier, Niles, and Rocko look positively perplexed.

Nile: They never got bored with it, did they?

Martin: Not even when it jumped the shark.

Rocko: Well Fras; I hate to cut this visit short, but I got to rest up for work tomorrow.

He leaves.

Rocko: [waving at the men] See you guys later.

All: Bye, Rocko.

Rocko shuts the door.

Frasier: Hey Niles, will you help me with Dad's chair?

Martin: Ah, you're gonna have to run an extension cord over here so

I can plug in the vibrating part.

Frasier: Oh yes, that will be the crowning touch.

Niles quickly heads for the door.

Niles: Well, now that you two are settled in, I've got to run.

I'm late for my dysfunctional family seminar.

He is halfway out of the apartment before he remembers something...

Niles: Dad, have you mentioned Eddie yet?

Frasier: [horrified] Eddie?

Niles: Ta-ta! [closes the door]

Frasier: Oh no, Dad, no, no! Not Eddie!

Martin: But he's my best friend! Get me my beer, would you?

Frasier: [fetches the beer] But he's weird! He gives me the creeps!

All he does is stare at me.

Martin: Ah, it's just your imagination.

Frasier: No Dad, no! No, I'm sorry, but I am putting my foot down.

Eddie is NOT moving in here.

FADE TO:

EDDIE

Scene Four - Apartment -Night

The lights are off. Martin is in his chair, eating a hot link and

watching the Charles Bronson movie; sounds of mindless violence can

be heard emanating from the TV.

The camera pans over to the couch, where an uncomfortable-looking

Frasier is seated. Perched next to Frasier is Eddie - a wire-haired

Jack Russell terrier. Eddie stares at Frasier.

End of Act One.

Act Two.

Scene Five - Cafe Nervosa.

Niles has just been served his coffee; Frasier rushes in.

Frasier: [anxious] Niles, there you are! I'm sorry I'm late; just as

I was leaving, Dad decided to cook lunch by the glow of a

small kitchen fire! Oh Niles, this last week with Dad, it's,

it's been a living hell! When I'm there, I feel like my

territory's being violated; when I'm not, I'm worried about

what he's up to. Look at me, [shows Niles his shaky hands]

I'm a nervous wreck! I've got to do something to calm down.

[goes to the bar] Double espresso, please! Niles, you don't

still have the brochures from those rest homes, do you?

Niles: Of course I do. Don't forget, Maris is five years older

than I am. But you really think that's necessary?

Frasier: I'm afraid I do. I don't have my life anymore. Tuesday

night I gave up my tickets to the theatre, Wednesday it was

the symphony... [gets his coffee]

Niles: That reminds me, weren't you going to the opera on Friday?

Frasier: Yes, here. [hands him some tickets]

Niles: Thank you.

Frasier: Niles, you don't suppose there's a chance that you and Maris

could...

Niles: Funny you should mention that. Maris and I were just

discussing this. We feel we should do more to share the

responsibility.

Frasier: You mean you'd take him in?

Niles: [laughs incredulously] Dear God, no! But we would be

willing to help you pay for a home care worker.

Frasier: A what?

Niles: You know, someone who cooks and cleans and can help Dad with

his physical therapy.

Frasier: These angels exist?

Niles: I know of an agency - let me arrange for them to send a few

people over to meet with you.

Frasier: Niles, I can't thank you enough! I, I, I feel this

overwhelming urge to hug you!

Niles: Remember what Mom always said: "A handshake is as good as a

hug."

Frasier: Wise woman.

They shake hands.

FADE TO:

THE HOME CARE SPECIALIST

Scene Six - Apartment

A woman is standing in the hallway, talking to Frasier and Rocko.

Frasier: I have never been more impressed with a human being

in my life!

Rocko: We have your references and Dr. Crane will give you a call if he can persuade his dad t oaccept you.

He closes the door on her. Cut to inside the apartment. Martin is

in The Armchair; Eddie is on the couch.

Frasier: [angry] Now what was wrong with that one?!

Rocko: [also angry] Yeah Marty, what's wrong with you?!

Martin: What's wrong with me?! She was casing the joint.

Frasier: "Casing the joint!" She spent two years with Mother Teresa!

Martin: Well, if I were Mother Teresa, I'd check my jewellery box!

Rocko: And if I were Darth Vader, I'd use the force make you strangle Eddie and then yourself!

Frasier and Martin look puzzled at this comment.

Martin: [sarcastic] May the force be in you.

The doorbell rings.

Frasier: Oh, this is the last one. Can you please try to keep an

open mind?

Rocko: That is unless if you literally want one.

Frasier smacks Rocko's arm lightly for that comment.

He opens the door to Daphne Moon, a British woman in her twenties.

She is adjusting her bra as Frasier opens the door.

Daphne: Oh! Hello - caught me with my hand in the biscuit tin!

[takes her hand out and shakes Frasier's] I'm Daphne, Daphne

Moon.

Frasier: Frasier Crane. Please come in.

Daphne: Thank you. [enters]

Frasier: Er, this is my father, Martin Crane, and my neighbor, Rocko Marshall. Boys, this is Daphne

Moon.

Daphne: Nice to meet you two. [sees Eddie] Oh, and who might this be?

Frasier: [darkly] That is Eddie.

Martin: I call him "Eddie Spaghetti."

Daphne: Oh, he likes pasta?

Martin: No, he has worms.

Rocko: Vomit!

Frasier: Er, have a seat, Miss Moon.

Daphne: Daphne. Thank you. [sees The Armchair and pats it] Oh, will

you look at that. What a comfy chair! It's like I always

say, start with a good piece and replace the rest when you

can afford it.

She smiles at Frasier. So does Martin and Rocko. Daphne sits on the couch.

Frasier: Yes. Well, er, perhaps you should start by telling us a

little bit about yourself, Miss Moon.

Daphne: Well, I'm originally from Manchester, England...

Frasier: Oh really, did you hear that, Dad?

Martin: I'm three feet away. There's nothing wrong with my hearing.

Rocko: [whispers to Martin] She'll probably talk about having a fling with Prince Charles.

This amuses the elder Crane.

Daphne begins to take all sorts of things out of her bag: a brush, a

glass, a sponge - and finally, a piece of paper which she hands to

Frasier.

Daphne: I've only been in the U.S. for a few months, but I have quite

an extensive background in home care and physical therapy, as

you can see from my resume. I... [suddenly turns toward Martin]

You were a policeman, weren't you?

Martin: Yeah - how'd you know?

Daphne: I must confess - I'm a bit psychic. It's nothing big, just

little things I sense about people. I mean, it's not like I

can pick the lottery. If I could, I wouldn't be talking to

the likes of you two, now would I? [laughs]

Martin is amused, so is Rocko; Frasier looks unimpressed.

Frasier: Yes. Perhaps I should describe the duties around here.

You would be responsible for...

Daphne: [suddenly turns towards Frasier] Oh, wait a minute,

I'm getting something on you... you're a florist!

Martin smiles.

Frasier: No, I'm a psychiatrist.

Daphne: Well, it comes and goes.

Rocko: Do me next!

Daphne: Hmm. [puts a hand on her head] You auditioned to be in a nature documentary.

Frasier stares at Rocko, who gives a sheepish look.

Rocko: It was mostly just to admire the scenery.

Daphne puts her things back into her bag

Daphne: Usually, it's strongest during my time of the month. Oh, I

guess I let a little secret out there, didn't I?

Frasier: It's safe with us. Well, Miss Moon, I think we've learned

just about all we need to know about you, and a dash extra!

[goes to the door]

Daphne: [waves her arms at Eddie] You're a dog, aren't you?

Daphne, Rocko, and Martin laugh.

Frasier: Well, we'll, er, we'll be calling you, Miss Moon. [goes for

the door handle]

Martin: Oh, why wait? [to Daphne] You've got the job!

Daphne: Oh, wonderful!

Frasier gives an annoyed look, which Rocko sees and gets nervous.

Rocko: Uh, hey guys, I'm going back to my apartment now that my job's done here. So, bye.

He heads to the door and leaves.

Daphne and Martin: Bye.

Frasier: [to Daphne, still annoyed] Er excuse me, excuse me, aren't you just

forgetting a little something here? Don't you think we

should talk about this in private?

Daphne: Oh, of course you should; I completely understand. [she

stands up and shoulders her bag] I'll just pop into the loo -

you do have one, don't you?

Frasier: Yes.

Daphne: Oh, I love America...

Daphne walks into the powder room. As soon as its door is shut:

Frasier: Dad, what do you think you're doing?

Martin: You wanted me to pick one, I picked one.

Frasier: But she's a kook! I don't like her!

Martin: Well, what difference does it make to you? She's only gonna

be here when you're not.

Frasier: Then... what's my problem? [laughs] Daphne!

Daphne returns.

Frasier: You've been retained.

Daphne: Oh, wonderful! I had a premonition.

Frasier: Quelle surprise.

Daphne: I'll move my things in tomorrow.

Frasier: Oh, move in? Oh, I'm sorry, there must be some

misunderstanding. Er, this isn't a live-in position.

Daphne: Oh, dear. Well the lady at the agency-

Frasier: The lady at the agency was wrong; this is just a part-time

position. I'm, I'm afraid it just won't work out.

Martin: [gets up] Hold on there, Frasier, let's talk about this!

Frasier: Dad, there's nothing to discuss!

Daphne: You two should talk about this. I'll just pop back in here

and enjoy some more of your African erotic art.

Frasier: Daphne, Daphne - I think it would be best if you leave.

Daphne: Oh well, alright then. [goes to leave]

Frasier: Don't be alarmed. We'll contact you. If not by telephone

then, er, through the toaster.

Daphne leaves, allowing tempers to flare.

Frasier: Dad, I'm not having another person living in this house!

Martin: Give me one good reason why not!

Frasier: Well, for one thing, there's no room for her!

Martin: What about that room right across the hall from mine?

Frasier: My study? You expect me to give up my study - the place

where I read, where I do my most profound thinking?

Martin: Ah, use the can like the rest of the world! You'll adjust!

Frasier: [angry] I don't want to adjust! I've done enough adjusting!

I'm in a new city, I've got a new job, I'm separated from my

little boy, which in itself is enough to drive me nuts. And

now my father and his dog are living with me! Well, that's

enough on my plate, thank you. The whole idea of getting

somebody in here was to help ease my burden, not to add to it!

Martin: Oh, do you hear that, Eddie? We're a burden.

Frasier: Oh Dad, Dad, you're, you're twisting my words! I meant burden

in its most positive sense!

Martin: As in, "Gee, what a lovely burden?"

Frasier: Something like that, yes!

Martin: Well, you're not the only one who got screwed here, you know.

Two years ago I'm sailing toward retirement and some punk

robbing a convenience store puts a bullet in my hip. Next

thing you know, I'm trading in my golf clubs for one of these.

[shakes his cane] Well, I had plans too, you know! And this

may come as a shock to you, sonny boy, but one of them wasn't

living with you.

Frasier: I'm just trying to do the right thing, here. I'm trying to

be the good son.

Martin: Oh, don't worry, son. After I'm gone you can live guilt-free,

knowing you've done right by your pop.

Frasier: You think that's what this is about, guilt?

Martin: Isn't it?

Frasier: Of course it is! But the point is, I did it! I took you in!

And I've got news for you - I wanted to do it! [on the verge

of tears] Because you're my father. And how do you repay me?

Ever since you've moved in here it's been a snide comment

about this or a smart little put-down about that. [grabs his

coat and goes to the door] Well, I've done my best to make a

home here for you, and once, just once, would it have killed

you to say "thank you?" One lousy "thank you?"

Long pause as Frasier waits expectantly, and Martin looks thoughtful.

Martin: [to Eddie] Come on, Eddie, it's past your dinner time.

Eddie jumps off the couch and follows Martin into the kitchen.

Frasier: I'm going out.

He leaves.

FADE TO:

LUPE VELEZ

Scene Seven - KACL

The corridor outside Frasier's studio. Frasier tears into the hallway

and rushes into the booth. Inside the studio, Roz is in her booth.

Frasier slams the door and drops into his chair.

Frasier: They have got to move the bathroom closer to the studio!

He throws on his headphones just as Roz points to him.

Frasier: [polite] We'll be right back after these messages.

[off air] Can't I put that on tape?!

Roz enters.

Roz: What's eating you?

Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. It's just this thing with my father and this,

this person he wants to hire. I thought I'd started my life

with a clean slate. I had picture of what it was going to

be like, and then, I don't know...

Roz: Ever heard of Lupe Velez?

Frasier: Who?

Roz: Lupe Velez - the movie star in the '30s. Well, her career

hit the skids, so she decided she'd make one final stab at

immortality. She figured if she couldn't be remembered for

her movies, she'd be remembered for the way she died. And

all Lupe wanted was to be remembered. So, she plans this

lavish suicide - flowers, candles, silk sheets, white satin

gown, full hair and makeup, the works. She takes the

overdose of pills, lays on the bed, and imagines how

beautiful she's going to look on the front page of

tomorrow's newspaper. Unfortunately, the pills don't sit

well with the enchilada combo plate she sadly chose as her

last meal. She stumbles to the bathroom, trips and goes

head-first into the toilet, and that's how they found her.

Frasier: Is there a reason you're telling me this story?

Roz: Yes. Even though things may not happen like we planned,

they can work out anyway.

Frasier: Remind me again how it worked for Lupe, last seen with her

head in the toilet?

Roz: All she wanted was to be remembered. [beat] Will you ever

forget that story?

[N.B. In fact, the Los Angeles newspapers reported Lupe's suicide

as though she had carried it off as planned; the sordid details were

kept quiet and for a long time existed only as rumor.]

She returns to her booth and cues him. He puts his headphones on;

everything from now onwards is on the air.

Frasier: We're back. Roz, who's our next caller?

Roz: We have Martin on line one. He's having a problem with his

son.

Frasier: [presses a button] Hello, Martin. This is Dr. Frasier Crane;

I'm listening.

Martin: [v.o.] I'm a first-time caller.

Pause as Frasier realises that the caller is his father.

Frasier: Welcome to the show. How can I help you?

Martin: I've just moved in with my son and er, it ain't working.

There's a lot of tension between us.

Frasier: I can imagine. Why do you think that's so?

Martin: I guess I didn't see he had a whole new life planned for

himself, and I kinda got in the way.

Frasier: Well, these things are a two-way street. Perhaps your son

wasn't sensitive enough to see how your life was changing.

Martin: [suddenly loud] You got that right! I've been telling him

that since I got there!

Frasier: I'm sure he appreciated your candour.

Martin: Well, maybe sometimes I oughta just learn how to keep my

trap shut.

Frasier: That's good advice for us all. Anything else?

Martin: Yeah, I'm worried my son doesn't know that I really

appreciate what he's doing for me.

Frasier: Why don't you tell him?

Martin: Well, you know how it is with fathers and sons, it... I have

trouble saying that stuff.

Frasier: Well, if it helps, I suspect your son already knows how you

feel. Is that all?

Martin: Yeah, I guess that's it. Thank you, Dr Crane.

Frasier: My pleasure, Martin.

Martin: [suddenly loud again] Did you hear what I said? I said

"thank you!"

Frasier: Yes, I heard.

He presses a button to disconnect Martin.

Roz: Dr Crane, we have Claire on line four. She's having a

problem getting over a relationship.

Frasier: [presses a button] Hello, Claire. I'm listening.

Claire: [distraught] I'm a, well, I'm a mess! Eight months ago my

boyfriend and I broke up, and I just can't get over it. The

pain isn't going away. It's almost like I'm in mourning or

something.

Frasier: Claire, you are in mourning. But you're not mourning the

loss of your boyfriend. You're mourning the loss of what

you thought your life was going to be. Let it go. Things

don't always work out how you planned; that's not necessarily

bad. Things have a way of working out anyway. [pause]

Have you ever heard of Lupe Velez?

He gives Roz a glance as we FADE OUT.

Credits:

Frasier's apartment. The whole gang is watching the TV. Martin is

in The Armchair; on the couch, Daphne occupies the left seat, Frasier

has the right seat and is trying to read something, and Eddie is in

the middle, staring at Frasier. Suddenly, Eddie places a paw on

Frasier's thigh.

Trivia:

The Fugitive was released in theaters a month before Frasier aired on TV, so you can buy it being in theaters at the time the pilot episode took place.

Rocko is basically similar to Holt from the Cleveland Show, a bachelor, friends with the main characters, and makes pop-culture references, though in doing research, the references he will make may seem dated and obscure.


	2. Space Quest

DEAR GOD, IT WASN'T A DREAM

Act One.

Scene A: The Frasier Residence, early morning.

Frasier enters wearing a dressing gown. He is obviously still half-

asleep. Martin is in the kitchen and Daphne is busy cleaning the

dining table. Frasier yawns.

Daphne: Oh, good morning, Dr. Crane. Not a morning person, are we?

Well, never you mind. I am. Can't very well be a good health

care provider if you're not up with the cock. I've already

taken your father for his morning constitutional. Such a

remarkable man - thirty years on the police force. I can

understand why you'd want him to live here, although not many

sons would do that, not without getting paid for it. Anyway,

coffee's made, and I took the liberty of doing a shop. They

don't serve much tripe in Seattle, do they?

Frasier: [still groggy] And you are...?

Daphne: Daphne. Daphne Moon. I moved in yesterday. You hired me to take

care of your father.

Frasier: [realizing] Of course. Forgive me, I'm not quite myself until

I've shaved and showered.

Daphne: Oh, yes. I completely understand about one's morning ablutions.

I, for instance, can't stand myself 'til I floss all that gunk

out of my teeth...

Frasier: [interrupting] Miss Moon! For future reference, if you could

just keep your ablutions on a need-to-know basis? Thank you.

[goes into kitchen] Now, my coffee.

Martin: [doing a fry-up] The half 'n half's curdled, and the garbage

disposal's jammed.

Frasier: [pouring his coffee] Good morning to you too, dad.

Martin: Morning was two hours ago. And close that barn door, we got

a lady in the house now.

Frasier adjusts his robe, then tastes his coffee. He is not amused.

Frasier: Hey, this isn't my coffee. Where's my finely-ground Kenya blend

from Starbucks?

Martin: That's it. Daphne put an eggshell and some allspice in it.

Frasier: [pouring it down the sink] Didn't that just dress it up?

Martin: I like it. Gives it a zing. Now, come on, sit down. Your breakfast

is ready.

He leaves the kitchen with a plate full of fried food.

Frasier: [following] Oh, no, dad, dad, look, all I ever have is a bran

muffin, and a touch of yogurt.

Martin: Ah, girlie food. Besides, I already fixed your breakfast. Now,

I made you "Eggs in a Nest."

Frasier: Ah yes, the Crane family specialty. Fried eggs swimming in

fat, served in a delightfully hollowed-out piece of white bread.

I can almost hear my left ventricle slamming shut as I speak.

Martin: You want cheese on that?

Frasier: No. I'd like to leave some blood flow for the clot to go swiftly

to my brain. [to himself] Can't have my coffee, can't have my

breakfast, [sees Martin's chair] Oh god, it wasn't a dream. I'll

get him for this. [to Eddie] And his little dog, too. [opens

front door] Where's my paper? Who's stolen my paper? Mrs. Everly,

you old bat, I know it's you!

Daphne: Yoo-hoo? It's right here, we brought it in for you.

Frasier: [to outside world] Sorry, sorry. [closes door and examines

paper] Oh, wait a minute, this... where's the rubber band?

This paper has been read.

Daphne: Well don't worry, we won't tell you what's in it.

Frasier: That is not the point. Dad, dad? Come and sit down please,

would you?

Daphne: You're going to give a speech, aren't you?

Frasier: Oh, that's right, I forgot, you're psychic.

Daphne: Yes, but I think anyone could feel this one coming on.

Frasier: Let us get something clear. I am not a morning person. I have

to ease into my day slowly. First I have my coffee - sans

eggshells or anything else one tends to pick out of the garbage.

Then I have a low-fat, high-fiber breakfast. Finally I sit

down and read a crisp, new newspaper. If I am robbed of the

richness of my morning routine, I cannot function. My radio

show suffers, and like ripples in a pond, so do the many

listeners that rely on my advise, to help them through their

troubled lives. I'm sorry if this may sound priggish, but I

have grown comfortable with this part of myself. It is the

magic that is me.

Martin: [to Daphne, while exiting to the kitchen] Get used to it.

Daphne: I know this is a stressful time, and this is new for all of us,

but I'm sure that soon we'll all be getting along swimmingly.

[looks down at Frasier's robe] Ooh, six more weeks of winter,

I see.

Frasier closes his robe. He sits at the table and starts reading

the paper. Eddie comes over and jumps onto a chair to stare at him.

Frasier: Down Eddie, down. [Eddie doesn't move] I said down. Good boy

Eddie, just get down. Good good, Eddie get down. Eddie, GET

DOWN! [Eddie still just sits there, staring at Frasier] Dad,

dad, I can't read my paper, Eddie's staring at me.

Martin: Why, you do make quite a picture in the morning. Just ignore

him.

Frasier: I'm trying to.

Martin: I was talking to the dog.

Frasier goes back to his paper, holding it up to block Eddie's view.

He slowly lifts it far enough to see Eddie still staring at him. He

gives up and walks towards his private bathroom. Eddie follows.

Frasier: Don't even think about it! [he leaves, Eddie still follows]

FADE OUT

Scene B: KACL

Frasier is doing his show.

Frasier: You're listening to Dr. Frasier Crane. Our topic today is...

intrusion. Those who encroach on our sense of personal space.

The neighbor who plays his stereo too loud. The person who

sits next to you in the movie theater when there are fifty

other vacant seats. Now let's return to our calls, and let

me remind you once more, that our topic today is intrusion,

since so many of you seem to be forgetting that.

Roz: Dr. Crane, we have Leonard from Everett, on line two.

Frasier: Hello Leonard, I'm listening.

Leonard: [v.o.] Oh, hi Dr. Crane. Ah, I'm a little nervous, but ah...

well, here goes. Several years ago I became afraid of large,

open spaces. Like, if I went to the mall, I'd break out in

a cold sweat, I'd get so scared that I'd have to run home.

Frasier: Yes Leonard, and your comments on intrusion?

Leonard: Nothing. Just that, now I'm afraid to go outside at all.

I haven't seen another person in eight months.

Frasier: Well Leonard, it sounds like you may have a very serious

condition known as agoraphobia. But you're not alone.

Leonard: But I am alone, Dr. Crane.

Frasier: Listen Leonard, I'm afraid your problem is too difficult to

deal with in the time we have remaining, so if you stay on

the line, someone will give you the name of a qualified

therapist. Well, that's all the time we have for today.

You've been listening to Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780.

Stay tuned for the news. Then next up, Bob "Bulldog"

Briscoe and the Gonzo Sports Show. I never miss it. [off air]

Yeah, right.

Roz: You want your messages?

Frasier: Oh, listen Roz, just hang on to them. I think I'll stay in

here for a while. Today more than most, I feel an overwhelming

need for solitude. I've got a fascinating book here, a

comfortable chair and a soundproof booth.

Just as Frasier leans back and opens his book the door opens

and Bulldog walks in pushing his props trolley.

Bulldog: Hiya, doc. How're they hangin'?

Frasier: Bulldog, what are you doing here?

Bulldog: We lost transmitter link power in Studio C. I gotta do my show

from here.

He bangs the gong and blows his whistle, indicating Frasier

should leave.

Bulldog: Hey, where the hell's my Cosell tape? Somebody stole my Cosell tape!

THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL B.S.! THIS... oh, here it is.

Frasier: [preparing to leave] Let me just get out of your way.

Bulldog: Oh, by the way doc, doc, I heard what you said to that kid who

fantasizes about killing his parents? You know what I would

have told him? Sports. You go out there, break some heads-

[hits himself on the head to illustrate] That'll turn him

around.

Frasier: Yes. If only Jeffrey Dahmer had picked up a squash racquet.

[goes into Roz's booth]

Bulldog: Hey, where the hell's my Lasorda tape? THIS IS TOT... ah, got

it.

We follow Frasier into Roz's Booth. Roz is on the telephone.

Roz: [to Frasier, as he starts to exit into the corridor] Hold on

a second, I have to ask you something. [into phone] Gary? I

broke up with him three weeks ago. The sex was okay, but he

was kinda limited. [Frasier moves to leave, Roz stops him] No,

no. [into phone] It wasn't that Gary was bad in bed. I mean,

he knew where all the parts were. Unfortunately, most of them

were his. Yes, totally passionless, it was like he was thinking

of someone else. I know I was. Somebody's here, I gotta go.

Alright? Talk to you later. Bye, mom. [hangs up]

Frasier: That was your mother?

Roz: Yeah, why?

Frasier: You talk to your mother like that?

Roz: Well, we're both adults. We talk about everything.

Frasier: Well, isn't that healthy.

Roz: What, you don't talk to your dad like that?

Frasier: Oh, hardly. We hardly speak at all.

Roz: Really?

Frasier: Ah yes, well you know, we're just not really similar people.

In fact, my brother and I are a lot more like my mother.

You know, if it wasn't biologically impossible I'd swear

that dad was dropped in a basket on our doorstep.

Bulldog: [from other booth] Hey sweetcakes, you seen my engineer?

Roz: I think someone's talking to you, Frasier.

Bulldog: Come on, come on, come on!

Roz: [into mike] Yes, he called, he'll be right here. [to Frasier]

So do you want to go across the street and have one of those

expensive coffee drinks?

Frasier: Maybe some other time. Right now, I'd like to continue my quest

for solitude. I'll go somewhere where my father, Mary Poppins

and the hound from hell can't find me. I think maybe I'll just

go sit under the shade of a tree and read in a quiet park.

[exits]

FADE TO:

THE BEST LAID PLANS...

[Over the screen we hear the sounds of a thunderstorm.]

Scene C: Frasier's Apartment.

He enters.

Frasier: Hello. [realises the room in empty] Hello? Dad? Daphne? Eddie?

[takes off coat; to himself] Could it be?

He arranges his book on the couch and pours himself a drink whilst

humming the Toreador song from "Carmen."

Frasier: Toreador,

Don't spit on the floor,

Use the cuspidor-a

What do you think it's for-a?

Drink in hand, he relaxes into the couch and starts reading.

Within seconds, a knock comes from the door. Exasperated,

Frasier goes to the door and opens it to reveal Rocko on

the outside.

Rocko: Hello, Frasier.

Frasier: [nods curteously while trying to preserve his annoyed look] Rocko.

Rocko: Sorry to be a bother with this, but my toilet's getting some plumbing

done and I just had a major brocoli stew after work today.

Frasier: I guess that would explain the chives on your teeth.

Rocko: [sarcastic] Very funny. Can I please your lavatory?

Frasier: Alright. But I implore to not make a ruckus in here.

I'm not in the best of moods to put up with antics of anybody.

Rocko comes in.

Rocko: Yeah, I know. I had a phone call with Roz and she told me

about your issues with your new roomies.

Frasier: First off, please be professional when refering to people

I know instead of talking like a college boy. Second, does she

tell everybody about what goes on in my personal life?

Rocko: Who doesn't?

Rocko heads to the bathroom while Frasier exasperatedly goes back to his

couch to read his book. Suddenly, keys are heard jingling and Martin,

Daphne, and Eddie are seen coming in through the front door wearing coats.

Daphne: [to Martin]...so the elephant says, "He's with me." [they both

laugh] Oh, Dr. Crane, you're home. We just got back from your

father's physical therapy.

Frasier: Oh, glory be. Oh, happy day. Not that I'm not delighted to see the

two of you, it's just that I'm in the middle of a very exciting

chapter.

Daphne: Ooh, I understand. So why don't I pop into the kitchen and brew

you up a nice pot of tea?

Frasier: No, I just poured myself a glass of wine, thank you.

Daphne: [pointedly looking at watch] I see. [leaves]

Martin: [sitting in the Chair] Whatcha reading?

Frasier: Oh dad, you wouldn't find it very interesting.

Martin: I might. Any good?

Frasier: Well, I haven't formed a opinion yet. Oddly enough, I'm having

a little trouble getting into it.

Martin: [after a moment's silence, indicates book] Thick.

Frasier: Dad will you... Listen, I don't want to offend, but if you

wouldn't mind, could you just leave me alone, let me read my

book?

Martin: No problem.

Martin sits quietly, not looking as Frasier reads. This finally

irks Frasier.

Frasier: What are you doing?

Martin: I'm leaving you alone.

Frasier: Well, it's very annoying!

Martin: Ah, what's your problem? You've been sucking a lemon all week.

Frasier: All right, all right, I'll tell you what my problem is, I can't

get a moment's peace alone in my own house.

Martin: Well, forgive me. When you invited me to move in I didn't realise

I had to stay chained to the radiator in my room [starts to

leave]

Frasier: [quietly] Perhaps only evenings.

Martin: I heard that!

Frasier: Well, of course you heard it, you're never out of earshot!

Martin: Ah, you know, you've always been like this. You were always

a fussy little kid, and it's gotten worse ever since. You and

your precious morning routine. You gotta have your coffee, you

gotta have your quiet, you gotta have this, you gotta have that.

Well, aren't you the little hothouse orchid.

Frasier: Hey, hey-hey-hey! I don't have to sit here and listen to that!

Martin: Ah, if you want everything so perfect, why don't you go live

in a bubble?

Frasier: Oh right, oh well, right now it sounds very inviting!

He storms out the front door and slams it behind him.

Martin: [sitting down again] Finally, a little peace and quiet

around here.

Suddenly, he hears the toilet makes a loud flushing noise before what sounds liek splashing. He turns around to see Rocko coming out with a rather mortified look on his face.

Rocko: I f you tell your son about this, I'll convince Mr. Hunter to have you exclusively pay double the regular price for admission.

With that, he leaves. Martin just looks indifferent

Martin: Having my whole pocket empty would be worth seeing Into the West.

End of Act One.

Act Two.

Scene A: Cafe Nervosa.

Frasier is sitting, reading his book as Niles walks in.

Niles: Hello there, Frasier.

Frasier: Oh, what fresh hell is this?

Niles: That's a nice way to greet your brother. [to waiter] Café

latte, per piachere.

Frasier: I'm sorry, Niles, it's just I've been trying to read this book

and it seems no matter where I alight I get interrupted.

Niles: Oh, "The Holotropic Mind" by Stanislav Grolf. I love his

conclusion that a change in breathing patterns can induce

alternate states of consciousness.

Frasier: Great. [slams book shut] Now you've ruined the ending!

Niles: I'm sorry, that was inconsiderate. [the waiter brings his coffee]

Mille Grazie. [to Frasier] So, how's father?

Frasier: Father? You mean the man who's driving me crazy? The man who

makes me dread the sight of my very doorstep? The man who just

drove me out of my own home?

Niles: And how's work?

Frasier: Niles, I don't know what I'm going to do. Dad and I had another

fight. I'm afraid if we stay under the same roof together we'll

do irreparable harm to the relationship we have as it is.

Niles: Well, what are the alternatives?

Frasier: Well, if I didn't feel so guilty I'd, I'd do what I should

have done in the first place: just move dad and Daphne into

their own apartment.

Niles: Oh, for goodness sake, Frasier. It hasn't been that long, you

have to give it a chance. And you might remember why you moved

him in in the first place.

Frasier: Refresh me.

Niles: You wanted to get closer to dad.

Frasier: I still do. There isn't anything I'd like more, but he makes

it impossible. I can't read my book, I can't have my coffee,

I can't have any peace in my own home.

Niles: So what you're saying is, you want to be closer to dad, but you

don't actually want him around. Ask yourself Frasier, have

you tried to sit down and talk to him - I mean, really talk to

him?

Frasier: Well, I... [he thinks about it] Maybe I haven't done my best.

I guess I owe that to the old man, don't I? Well ah, thanks

for the chat, Niles. You're a good brother, and a credit to

the psychiatric profession.

Niles: You're a good brother too.

Frasier gets up and leaves.

A COUPLE OF WHITE GUYS SITTIN'

'ROUND TALKIN'

Scene B: Frasier's Apartment.

He arrives to find some of his furniture piled up beside the door.

Frasier: Daphne? What are my things doing here? My leather wing chair?

My Kusami lamp?

Daphne: [entering from back, carrying a box] We're putting them in the

storage room, in the basement. There was no room for them in

the study once we got my furniture in. We discussed it last

night, remember?

Frasier: Of course, of course.

Daphne: I was just on my way to ask that peculiar little man from

building services to give me a hand moving them.

Frasier: Oh yes, Kyle. Well, give him my regards.

Daphne: Remind me again - which one of Kyle's eyes is really looking

at me?

Frasier: The brown one.

Daphne exits via the front door. Martin enters from the bedroom.

Martin: Daphne left your dinner in the fridge, if you're hungry.

Frasier: Well thanks, but I'm not. Ah... Dad, I'm sorry about the blow-up

earlier.

Martin: Ah, forget about it. I already have.

Frasier: You know, I guess there's no secret that there's been a lot of

tension between us, and I think maybe one of the reasons is

that we never have a chance to sit down and talk. And I... I

thought we might have a conversation.

Martin: Right now?

Frasier: Yes, I think now would be a good time.

Martin: Later would be better.

Frasier: It doesn't have to be a long, drawn-out conversation, I'm

talking about three minutes of your life.

Martin: Well, I hope it is only three minutes, 'cause my program's

coming on.

Frasier: Well, alright. If it'll make you any happier I will get the

egg-timer and I will set it for three minutes.

He does so, and they sit at the table.

Martin: So what do you want to talk about?

Frasier: Well, the idea is for us to have a normal, honest conversation

like two normal people without getting on each other's nerves.

Ready? [sets timer] Go.

Martin: This is stupid.

Frasier: [stops timer] One second? That's our personal best? Let us see

if we can beat it. [sets timer] Ready? Go.

Martin: So how about those Seahawks?

Frasier: [stops timer] No sports.

Martin: All right. But no opera.

Frasier: Agreed. [sets timer] Ready? Go.

Martin: [pause] This is your idea, you say something first.

Frasier: Alright, alright. I'll, I'll tell you something about myself

that ah, that you don't know. Ah, six months ago, when Lilith

and I were really on the rocks, ah, there was a time of

depression I went through that was so terrible I actually

climbed out on a ledge and wondered if life was worth living.

I... And then I thought of Frederick.

Martin: And you didn't jump, huh?

Frasier: Good, dad.

Martin: Wow. I never knew that.

Frasier: Well, that's the point of this whole experiment. To tell one

another something that we don't know about each other. Something

vulnerable. Now it's your turn.

Martin: Okay. [thinks] Well, about two months ago, I was in the basement,

going through some old pictures of your mother and me... and all

of a sudden something flew up in my eye. And, when I was trying

to get it out, I realised I could turn my eyelid inside out,

the way kids do at camp.

Frasier: That's it? You call that vulnerable?

Martin: It hurt.

Frasier: Oh well... I'm not talking about that kind of pain, I'm talking

about your emotions, your soul. Some sort of painful, gut-

wrenching experience.

Martin: Other than this one?

Frasier: Oh, God! Always the flip answer.

Martin: Well, this whole thing's stupid.

Frasier: Well, not to me. Oh, how should I expect anything out of you?

You are the most cold, intractable, unapproachable, distant,

stubborn, cold man I've ever known!

Martin: You said "cold" twice, Mr. Egghead.

Frasier: Egghead? Egghead?

Martin: You said "egghead" twice, too.

Frasier: Oh, you are so infuriating!

Martin: Well, you're no day at the beach either. You know what you are?

[the timer bings] I'll tell you later, it's time for my

program. [moves towards Chair]

Frasier: Dad, I don't think you see how serious this is.

Martin: Oh, will you give it a rest?

Frasier: We're not getting along, and it's not getting any better. I'm

not sure how to say this, but ah... I ah, I'm afraid I'm gonna

have to...

Martin: I know what you're trying to say. "You want what's best for

both of us." You want to get me out of here, then you can have

your own space, and I'll have my own space, and we can put an

end to all this bickering.

Frasier: Well, yes. I guess it wasn't so hard to say after all.

Martin: Except for one thing. I'm not going.

Frasier: What?

Martin: Look, you want us to forge some great father-son relationship,

to make some connection. Well, that kind of thing takes a couple

of years, not a couple of days, doesn't it? You're the shrink.

Frasier: Couple of years, huh?

Martin: Ah, it'll go by before you know it.

Frasier: Either that, or it'll seem like eternity.

Martin: I'm willing to give it a shot if you are.

Frasier: Okay.

Martin: Great. How about you and me having a beer together?

Frasier: Wow. You know, in all these years you've never asked me that.

I'd love to have a beer with you, dad.

Martin: Well then, you better haul ass, 'cause the store closes in ten

minutes.

Frasier: Right. [exits]

End of Act Two.

ONE MAN'S STORAGE ROOM

IS ANOTHER MAN'S SANCTUARY

Credits:

Close up of Frasier, reading his book. The camera pulls back to

reveal he's in the storage area, sitting on his leather recliner.

Guest Appearances

Guest Starring

DAN BUTLER as Bulldog

Guest Callers

CHRISTOPHER REEVE as Leonard


	3. Dinner at Eight

Act One.

SHHH! THEY'RE HERE

Scene One - The Frasier Crane Show.

Frasier is at his console; Roz is in her booth.

Frasier: In the greater Seattle area, the number is 555-KACL. We've

got a number of lines open, so please give us a call. [to Roz]

Now who's up next, Roz?

Roz: We have Pam on line four. She's having a problem with her

family.

Frasier: [presses a button] Hello, Pam. This is Dr Frasier Crane;

I'm listening.

Pam: [v.o.] Hi. It's my in-laws. It's just that, well... they drop

over all the time without calling first, and they expect us

to stop what we're doing and entertain them.

Frasier: Well, they're your husband's parents - what does he

suggest?

Pam: [v.o.] The other day, he had us drop to the floor and stay quiet

until they drove away.

Frasier: A creative approach, but hardly a long-term solution.

Pam: [v.o.] Well I, I thought about saying something, but I'm afraid

I'll hurt their feelings.

Frasier: Well, then you have a choice. Either you risk hurting

their feelings, or you spend the rest of your life diving

for cover whenever they happen to drop on by...

The sound of a doorbell is heard.

Pam: [v.o.; whispering] Shhh! They're here!

Frasier: Who... your in-laws?

Pam: [v.o.] Shh! Yes.

Frasier: [whispering] Well then, why don't you just take this

opportunity to... [stops whispering] Oh, for pete's sake!

Why don't you just tell them how you feel?

Pam: [v.o.; whispering] Okay! Okay, I will next time, I promise!

Thanks, Dr. Crane.

Pam hangs up. Roz signals to Frasier.

Frasier: Yes... ah, well, as, er, [presses a button] Pam belly-

crawls across her living room, let's move on to our next

caller. Roz, who's on next?

Roz: We have Lazlo, who states that he just wants to vent to somebody.

Frasier: Ah, [presses a button] Go ahead Lazlo, I'm listening.

Lazlo: Well you see doc, just like with Pam on the last line, I tend

to bite my tounge when dealing with somebody annoying just to avoid sounding

mean.

Frasier: I see. Roz tells me you just want to vent something. Go ahead, let it out.

Lazlo: Well for starters doc, I'd like to use you as a subject.

Frasier looks somewhat puzzled.

Lazlo: I mean, you go on the air to try and help people with their mental issues

but from the condescending way you drone on and the fact that you use yourself

as an example to seem like the bigger man, it has me believe you just want all

of Seattle to think you're some kind of messiah for their problems when Al Capone

could make a better therapist than you! Because at least he doesn't talk in a segue

that paints him as the King of France...

As Lazlo is talking He presses a button and takes off his headphones.

Frasier: How's that for a segue? [laughs] Let's see if the message from "Carpet Fresh" changes your tune.

HOW MANY SHARKS DIED...?

Scene Two - Frasier's apartment.

Daphne is standing at the dinner table, sorting some laundry.

Frasier, Rocko and Martin, returning from a shopping trip, enter

from the front door.

Frasier: I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures

at other drivers!

Martin: He cut you off!

Frasier: That doesn't matter! You do not antagonize a man whose

bumper sticker says, "If you're close enough to read this,

I'll kill you!"

Rocko: Just be glad we weren't in Spielburg's Duel, than we would've

been in trouble.

Frasier: I watched that on TV when I was 19, it took at least a whole

year before I was ready to get my learner's permit.

Martin: Yeah, and it was humiliating when Niles got his liscence before

you. Now as for the bumper sticker, that was big talk from a Volvo.

Daphne: I see you've found yourself a new suit.

Martin: Oh, wait till you see it, Daph - it's a beaut!

Daphne: Let's have a look!

Martin: Oh, can't let you see it on the hanger; I'll model it for

you!

He leaves for his room. Daphne picks up a pair of "knickers" and

begins to flap them vigorously.

Daphne: What a nice son you are, buying your father a new suit.

Frasier: Well, it didn't quite work out the way I planned, but er...

[notices] Daphne, what are you doing?

Daphne: Fluffing your knickers. If you don't mind my saying so,

you're losing some of your elasticity.

She stretches the waistband of the knickers.

Frasier: Well, I appreciate everything you're doing, Daphne, [takes them]

but a man's knickers are certainly... [feels them; surprised]

Ooh... [presses them against his face] How'd you get them so...

soft?

Daphne: Fabric softener [takes the knickers from him] and twice

through the fluff cycle. [continues "fluffing"]

Frasier: Oh, well keep up the good work! [laughs]

Rocko comes over, looking curious. He tries to feel the knickers, but

Frasier slaps away his hand and leers at Rocko.

Frasier: Don't even think about it.

As Rocko rubs his hand, the phone rings. Frasier gets it.

Frasier: [on the phone] Hello? Yes. Well, hi Niles. Well, of course

you can come by! Great! I'll, I'll see you there!

Frasier puts the phone down and goes to the door. He opens it: it is

Niles, and he has just finished using his mobile phone.

Frasier: Hi Niles, good to see you!

Niles enters. Frasier closes the door.

[N.B. After this episode, it may be a LONG time before Niles thinks

to call before dropping by.]

Frasier: Thanks for calling first.

Niles: Well, I heard your show today. I wouldn't dream of popping

by unannounced.

Frasier: Ah...

Rocko: Hey Niles.

Niles: Hi Rocko. Actually Frasier, I was in the neighborhood, and I've come to beg

a favor. Er, my housekeeper Mary is a very big fan of

your little radio program.

Frasier: [pleased] Is she?

Niles: Yes. Well, what she lacks in taste, she makes up for in

vigor. [puts his briefcase down] She'd like an autographed

photo.

Frasier: Oh well, it'd be my pleasure. [to Daphne] Daphne, this is

my brother Niles. [leaves to get the photo]

Niles sees Daphne for the first time, and is pleasantly surprised,

to say the least. Daphne just smiles at him.

Niles: Hmm... you're Daphne?

Daphne: Why, yes I am.

Niles: Well, I...

Niles goes over to her eagerly, and they shake hands; he holds on,

a little lost for words. Rocko looks over and gives a knowing and

smug grin.

Niles: When Frasier told me he'd hired an Englishwoman, I pictured

someone a little more... not quite so... you're Daphne?

Daphne: It's nice to meet you.

She takes her hand away and gets back to sorting the laundry.

Frasier returns with a photo.

Niles: Well, what a lovely accent. Is that, er, Manchester?

Daphne: Yes. How'd you know?

Niles: Oh, ha! I'm quite the anglophile; I'm sure Frasier and dad

have already told you.

Frasier sits on the couch, preparing to sign the photo. Niles, still

enraptured by Daphne, absent-mindedly picks up a pair of Frasier's

knickers, much to Rocko's amuesment.

Daphne: No, they didn't mention it.

Niles: Ah... you undoubtedly guessed as much when they said I'd

spent a year studying at Cambridge.

Daphne: No, they didn't mention that, either.

Niles: I guess my father and brother don't spend a lot of time

talking about me when I'm not around! [starts to feel the

knickers]

Daphne: Oh, I wouldn't say that...

Frasier: [gets up, having signed the photo] Niles, here's your

picture...

He notices that Niles is pressing the knickers against his face.

Frasier: DO YOU MIND?!

He grabs the pair of knickers from Niles and throws them back onto

the dinner table. While he glowers, Niles takes the photo and walks

over to his briefcase.

Niles: [reads] "Mary, here's wishing you good mental health:

Frasier Crane."

Niles puts the photo in his briefcase. Martin returns, wearing his

new suit; it is an odd, dark red or brown color and looks distinctly

cheap.

Martin: Fits like a glove. Hi, Niles!

Niles: Hey, dad... [notices his suit] Wow.

Martin: How do I look?

Niles: Wow.

Daphne: [to Niles] Dr. Crane took your father shopping to Armani

this afternoon.

Rocko: [with a forced smile] It'a ure simething, Marty!

Niles: [incredulous] You got that at Armani?

Martin: Just like I told you, Frasier - he can't tell the

difference!

Frasier: Well, me, Rocko, and dad were on our way to Armani, when dad spotted this

in the window of a discount clothing store.

Rocko: Why exactly did you want this suit, Martin?

Daphne picks up all of the laundry.

Martin: It's sharkskin! [waves his forearm] Look at the way it

changes color when I move my arm!

Niles stares at him, less than impressed. Daphne, carrying the

laundry, goes over to Martin.

Daphne: [to Martin] You're going to be the handsomest gent at your

friend's retirement party. Now come on, let's go and hang

it up before it gets wrinkled.

Rocko: Let me help.

Martin: Oh, it's supposed to resist wrinkles. They had one in the

display window winded up inside a mayonnaise jar!

Martin, Rocko and Daphne leave.

Niles: Frasier, is he our real father?

Frasier: Now don't start that again - we've been having this

discussion since we were children.

Niles: [goes towards the kitchen] But that suit!

Frasier: Well it's not just the suit, it's, it's his taste in

everything! Clothing, films, music...

Reset to the kitchen. Niles has just entered and goes about making

himself a drink. Frasier enters.

Niles: Outside of our last name and abnormally well-developed calf

muscles, we have nothing in common with the man.

Frasier: Well, thank goodness we took after mom.

Niles: So how come he didn't acquire any of her... sophistication?

Frasier: Well, maybe he was too busy working his tail off so that we

could have the nicer things.

Niles: Mmm.

Frasier: You know Niles, maybe it's time we tried to pay him back in

some way. Expose him to some of the finer things, so that

he'd stop lumbering through life like some great polyester

dinosaur.

Niles: I don't know. Dad's so set in his ways.

Frasier: Well, we all are at some point in our lives. Remember when

you used to think the 1812 Overture was a great piece of

classical music?

Niles: [shakes his head wistfully] Was I ever that young?

Frasier: Well, you and I have to broaden dad's horizons. Show him

the world that he's only read about in TV Guide.

Niles: How about an evening of fine dining?

Frasier: Perfect... but where?

Frasier&

Niles: [excited] Le Cigare Volant!

Frasier: [ecstatic, wrings his hands] Hah!

Niles: [suddenly calm] But can we really get in? I've been trying

for months.

Frasier: Oh, puh-leeze. Niles, you're forgetting the cache my name

carries in this town.

Niles: Actually, I'm not. If the maitre d' happens to be a

housewife, we're in.

Frasier: Niles, you are so mean.

Frasier leaves the kitchen, with Niles following. Reset to

outside the kitchen.

Frasier: I'll just call information.

Niles: Oh, no need; I have it on speed dial.

Niles takes out his mobile phone and hands it to Frasier.

Frasier: Oh. Thank you. [on Niles's phone] Hello, this is Dr

Frasier Crane. Yes, the one on the radio. [looks at Niles,

triumphantly] Say... any chance of, er, getting a table for

four on Saturday at er, say... eight, hmm? Merci, a

bient! [shuts Niles's phone, laughs] We're in!

They do a high-five. Martin, back in his casual clothing, returns with Rocko.

Martin: Niles, can I get you a beer? Some pork rinds?

Niles: [rubs his sore post-high-five hand] No thanks. Em...

Rocko: I'd accept that offer Martin, only I'm not hungry.

Or thirsty for that matter.

Frasier: Dad, Niles and I and Maris would like you to join us for dinner

on Saturday night at, Le Cigare Volante - it's one of the

hottest new restaurants in town.

Martin: Ah, gee, I don't know, I...

Niles: Oh, oh-oh-oh, the food is to die for!

Martin: Niles, your country and your family are to die for; food is

to eat. [sits in The Armchair] Look, I appreciate the

offer, but I wouldn't like it.

Frasier: Oh dad, how do you know if you don't try it?

Martin: Well, I didn't have to get shot in the hip with a .38 to

know I wouldn't like that.

Frasier: Yes, but, dad, it'll give us a chance to have an evening

all together as a family. You know, Niles and I really

want to do this for you.

Martin: Oh... alright.

Frasier and Niles do another high-five, which means more sore hands.

Frasier: [laughs] We're gonna have the best time!

Martin: Hey - it'll give me a chance to wear my new suit again,

too!

Frasier: [to Niles] And won't that be nice? [to Rocko] Would you care to join us Rocko?

Rocko: Thanks Frasier, only I have plans to see Dazed and Confused Saturday night. Plus,

I've been to that restaurant and needless to say their food isn't exactly my

forte.

With that, Rocko leaves.

Frasier: Well custodial jobs aren't my forte and yet you don't see me complaining about you.

HONEY, DON'T

Scene Three: KACL; Roz's booth, before show time.

Roz is doing some administrative stuff, and Frasier is sipping

a coffee.

Frasier: So, how do the calls look today?

Roz: Well, we've got a couple of jilted lovers, a man who's

afraid of his car, a manic depressive, and three people who

feel their lives are going nowhere.

Frasier: Oh, I love a Monday. So how was your weekend?

Roz: I had the most hellacious date of my life. First, he asks

me to pick him up from work. Then, I stop for gas - I have

to pump it myself while he just sits there reading the

sports section. So I take him back to my place and make

him my famous sweet and sour shrimp; I'm in the middle of

cooking, I ask him to hand me the honey, and he gets this

freaked-out look on his face and says he can't because he

has a deathly fear of touching anything sticky.

Frasier grimaces.

Roz: I told him it was a new jar, but he didn't want to take any

risks.

Frasier: Roz, where do you meet these people?

Roz: [indignant] I answered his ad! [gestures towards the studio]

You got thirty seconds - you'd better get in there.

Frasier: Not yet.

Roz: Oh, no...

Frasier: Roz, are you ready?

Roz: [reluctant] Don't make me do this...

Frasier: Come on, we do this every Monday!

Roz: You do this every Monday. I play along!

Frasier: Come on!

Roz picks up some sheaves of paper.

Frasier: [enthusiastic] Who's got the best talk show in Seattle?

Roz: [waves the paper around like a half-hearted cheerleader] We

do. We do.

Frasier: [shakes his fist] Alright!

Roz sits at her console; Frasier enters the studio.

DINNER AT EIGHT

Scene Four: Frasier's apartment.

Eddie is asleep on the couch. The balcony doors are open; the sound

of traffic and other city noises can be heard. A snazzily-suited

Frasier, holding a glass of sherry, returns from the balcony and

shuts the doors. Daphne enters from her room.

Daphne: We-ell! Aren't you a bobby dazzler?

Frasier: Well, I'll go out on a limb and take that as a compliment.

Daphne gets her coat.

Frasier: Where are you off to?

Daphne: I'm going to poker night.

Frasier: I wouldn't have pegged you as a card player.

Daphne puts her coat on. The doorbell rings; Frasier goes to get it.

Daphne: Poker's mostly social. Me and the girls just bumping the

gums. No-one ever loses more than five or six hundred

dollars.

Frasier opens the door. It is Niles; he is carrying a small paper

bag and looks somewhat excitable.

Frasier: Hi, Niles!

Niles: Hello. [enters]

Frasier: Where's Maris? Are you two taking separate elevators

again?

Niles: Oh, no. I'm afraid Maris is having one of her episodes.

Frasier: [closes the door] Ah...

Niles: In the middle of dressing for the evening, she suddenly

slumped down on the edge of the bed in her half-slip and

sighed. Course, I knew then and there that dinner was not

to be.

Frasier: I'm sorry. [comforts Niles]

Niles: Yes, well, who would understand? I'll just have to make the best of it... [strides

over to Daphne] Hi-ho, Daphne, you're looking luminous this

evening!

Frasier watches this suspiciously.

Daphne: Why thank you, Dr. Crane.

Frasier: [to Niles] What's in the bag?

Niles: Er, just a little treat I picked up for dad: some Devonshire

Clotted Cream.

Frasier: For... dad?

Daphne: I love Devonshire Clotted Cream.

Niles: Isn't that lucky - you two can share it. [gives the bag to her]

Daphne: I'll just go and pop this in the fridge.

She leaves for the kitchen. Niles gazes after her, dreamily.

Frasier: Sherry, you guys?

Niles: Thank you.

Frasier goes to get the sherry. Niles is still gazing off-screen

after Daphne.

Niles: I'm having a thought, Frasier. Since Maris has sadly dropped out

and we do have an extra space, perhaps we should invite Daphne to

join us for the evening. I mean, it is a table for four and, and

three is such an awkward number, you know, at a, at a dinner.

Frasier gives Niles a glass of sherry and a suspicious look.

Frasier: What are you doing?

Niles: Nothing, nothing... [realizes] Oh, for goodness sake, Frasier!

I'm a happily married man! Maris means the world to me. Why,

just the other day I kissed her for no reason whatsoever.

He is about to sit down on the couch when he sees that Daphne

has returned.

Daphne: Well, I'm off to my poker game. [to Niles] It was nice seeing

you again, Dr. Crane...

She shakes his hand, and holds on.

Daphne: Oh, wait a minute! I'm getting something on you...

Frasier: [to Niles] She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.

Daphne: You have occasional bouts of colitis, don't you?

Niles: [entranced] Yes!

Daphne takes her hand away and goes to the door. Niles can't keep

his eyes off her.

Niles: Frasier...she's phenomenal!

Daphne: [at the door] It's a gift. Well, cheerio!

Niles: Ta-ta!

She leaves.

Frasier: Niles, you've never had colitis a day in your life!

Niles: I know, but I couldn't bear to disappoint her...

Martin enters. He is wearing his casual clothes.

Martin: 'Kay! I'm ready to go!

Frasier: Ah, ah, dad, what's happened to your suit?

Martin: Oh, it's at the cleaners. I got some creamed chicken on

it at Phil's retirement dinner last night. You can't keep

anything nice.

Niles: Well, well, I-I-I-I'm sure the Cigare Volante has a dress

code...

Frasier: Er Niles, may I borrow your phone?

Niles takes out his mobile phone and hands it to Frasier.

Frasier: Thank you so much.

Martin: Where's Maris?

Niles: Episode.

Martin: [unsurprised] Oh.

Frasier: [on phone] Yes hello, this is Dr Frasier Crane; I have a

reservation tonight. I'm calling to enquire about your,

minimum dress code. [worried] Crane. Frasier. Doctor!

[very worried] Well, what do you... we've had the

reservation for over a week! [off the phone, angry] They've

lost our reservation.

Niles: Give me that. [takes the phone] Listen, this is Dr. Niles Crane.

I've never been treated so shabbily in my entire life and I've a

good mind to come over there and create an embarrassing scene.

Frasier: Niles, they've already hung up.

Niles: Ah... thank God! [closes his phone and pockets it] Well,

what now, Frasier? It's Saturday night, quarter-to-eight,

and we-we're not going to get in anywhere.

Martin: Hey, I know! Why don't I take us all to The Timber Mill?

Niles: The... Timber Mill?

Martin: Oh, it's great! You can get a steak this thick for eight-

ninety-five! [indicates a brick-like thickness]

Niles: Ah... honestly, dad, that doesn't sound like the kind of

restaurant we'd like.

Martin: Well, I was willing to go to your place.

Frasier: Er, dad, I I think we'd better just er, take a rain check.

Martin: Oh gee, I was looking forward to spending an evening with

you boys. But we can do it some other time. [sad] I'm sure

Daphne's got something in the fridge I can heat up...

He slowly hobbles over to the kitchen. Frasier and Niles watch him

guiltily.

Frasier: [suddenly upbeat] You know, on second thoughts I'm,

I'm really in the mood for a good steak!

Niles: [to Frasier] What?

Martin turns around in surprise.

Frasier: Well yes, you know, the point of the whole thing is not

exactly where we have dinner, but that the three of us have

an evening together as a family! Right?

Martin: [excited] Ah, you won't be sorry! They've got five different

toppings for your baked potato!

Frasier: Ooh, did you hear that, Niles?

Niles: I'm sold!

Martin: [to Eddie] We'll bring you a bone, Eddie!

Eddie does not respond.

Martin: [to Frasier and Niles] He's ecstatic.

End of Act One.

Act Two.

TIM-BERRR!

Scene One: The Timber Mill.

A lively American restaurant with a homely, informal atmosphere.

The staff are dressed in "country" garb and are serving what

looks like an (almost) full house. Martin, Frasier and Niles

enter. Martin looks very at home; his sons, however, are

conspicuous both in their expensive suits and the disdainful

attitude with which they regard the place.

Martin: Quite a place, huh? Used to be a real working saw-mill!

Frasier: [sarcastic] Until somebody stated the obvious and said:

"Hey, let's turn this place into a restaurant!"

Martin: I just walk in here and my mouth starts watering. There's

nothing like the smell of charbroiled meat.

Niles: This aroma's triggering a, a sense memory. Something

familiar. It... oh, of course, Maris in her home tanning

bed.

The hostess greets them from behind the cash register.

Hostess: Hi! Welcome to The Timber Mill.

Frasier: [not without trepidation] You don't have a table for

three... do you?

Hostess: Sure, right this way.

She leads them to a free table.

Hostess: Is this your first visit to The Timber Mill?

Frasier: Yes.

Hostess: Well, we've got a dress code.

Frasier: [worried] Oh well, couldn't you make an exception in this

case? [gestures at Martin] His suit was at the cleaners-

Hostess: Er, not him. You.

She suddenly produces a big pair of scissors and snips off Frasier's

tie below the knot; another waitress does the same to Niles.

Hostess: [shouts] Tim-berrr!

The other diners in the restaurant clap, cheer, and clang their

cutlery. Frasier and Niles are in shock; Martin has been watching

this "initiation ceremony" with amusement. The waitresses place

their severed ties on what is now clearly a wall of dismembered

cravates behind the counter.

Frasier: [distraught] My tie! She, she cut off my tie!

Martin: Gotcha! Ain't that great?

Frasier: Well, why did she cut off my tie?!

Martin: Oh, they've been doing it for years! They like to keep the

place casual.

Niles: Dad, you could have mentioned that to us.

Martin: What, and spoil the fun? [laughs] Ah, cheer up! You

get a free dessert!

Frasier: Oh, boy. [calms down a bit] Well, I guess you're right, dad;

it's just a tie...

Niles: A Hugo Boss tie.

They sit down: Frasier on the left, Niles on the right, and Martin

between them. Niles, of course, obsessively cleans his chair

beforehand. A lively waitress arrives with bread slices and butter.

Waitress: Hi, can I get you guys something from the bar?

Frasier: [weary] Oh dear God, yes.

Niles: I'll have a Stoli Gibson on the rocks, with three pearl

onions.

Frasier: [firmly] If you bring him two, if you bring him four - he'll

send it back.

Waitress: And for you?

Frasier: The same.

Martin: I'll have a Ballantine.

The waitress leaves. Martin tucks into the bread and butter.

Niles: [to Frasier] Say, funny thing happened the other day: one of my

patients had a rather amusing Freudian slip. He was having

dinner with his wife, and he meant to say, "pass the salt,"

but instead he said, "You've ruined my life, you blood-sucking

shrew."

Frasier and Niles laugh at this.

Martin: Bet she didn't like that.

Niles: N-no, no dad, she didn't. [to Martin] Say, how was your

buddy's retirement party last night?

Martin: Oh, it was great. You know, I really miss those guys. Bad

news, though. Remember Mo Hanson? The desk captain of my

old precinct? Killed in a boating accident.

Niles: Oh, I'm sorry.

Martin: Yeah. Well, at least he went quick. Hank Grinsky - well,

he had three bypasses before he went.

Despite this, Martin has smeared an unhealthily large amount

of butter onto his bit of bread.

Martin: Jimmy Bourbon, he had this weird disease. I went to visit him

in the hospital; by the time he died, his skin was all yellow,

wasted away to nothing. Nice nurse, though — Betty, I think her

name was.

He pops the cholesterol-mungous bit of bread into his mouth, not

noticing that Frasier and Niles have become somewhat uncomfortable

with his choice of topic. The waitress arrives with their drinks.

Waitress: I see we have a couple of first-timers here! Let me tell

you how it works. Every entrée comes with soup or a trip

to the salad bar: one trip only, please! Also included is

our famous garlic cheese bread.

A man pulls up a chunky wooden trolley in front of the table. Upon

it are heaped various multicoloured, brick-thick slabs of raw flesh.

Waitress: And now if you're ready, you can claim your steaks.

Niles: Claim our steaks...?

Martin: [points] You get to pick the cut you want off the beef

trolley!

Frasier and Niles, revolted, stare at it.

Frasier: [hesitant] How much extra would I have to pay to get one

from the refrigerator?

Martin: [annoyed] Would you just pick your steak?

Niles: I'll, I'd like a, a petite filet mignon, very lean - not so

lean that it lacks flavour, but not so fat that it leaves

drippings on the plate. And I don't want it cooked - just

lightly seared on either side, pink in the middle; not a

true pink, but not a mauve either, something in between.

Bearing in mind the slightest error either way, and it's

ruined.

Waitress: ...Okay! [to Frasier] How about you?

Frasier: Could I see the other side of that one? [points queasily at

a steak]

Martin: [gestures at the trolley] Just bring us those three:

medium-rare, all the 'fixins.

The waitress leaves and the beef trolley is wheeled away.

Martin: [excited] Hey, come on! There's a lull at the salad bar!

Martin gets up. Frasier looks resigned; Niles covers his eyes with

his hand. Fade to black.

Scene Two: The Timber Mill, later.

They are halfway through their salads when a waiter takes away

their plates.

Martin: Isn't this great? They have the best Thousand Island

Dressing in town.

Frasier: I know, dad, I saw the plaque by the cash register.

The waitress arrives with their main courses: steaks, baked potatoes

with toppings, and other assorted bits.

Waitress: Here we go: three boiled onions, medium-rare!

Frasier: Wha-? We've barely touched our salads!

Martin: Great service, huh?

Niles: Yes. With any luck we should be completing our dining

experience in less than twenty minutes.

Waitress: If you're not ready I could put this under the heat lamp...

Frasier: Oh no, no-no, that won't be necessary young lady, I'm as

ready as I'll ever be...

Waitress: Alright. Let me know if I can get you anything else.

She leaves.

Frasier: [to her back, sarcastic] Yes, thank you.

Martin: You know, I don't mind you guys being tough on this place,

but you could be a little nicer to the waitress.

Frasier: You're right. I'll apologize when she comes with the

dessert. Which should be any time now.

They begin to eat. Or at least Martin does. Frasier chews unhappily

while Niles picks over his potato as if he is dissecting a large

insect.

Martin: Sometimes there's nothing like a good steak.

Frasier: I wish this was one of those times.

Martin: What's wrong?

Frasier: Well, I don't mean to complain, but...

Martin: Well, then don't! For your information, these steaks come

from prized beef raised at... [to Niles] What the hell are

you doing?

Niles: [still dissecting] Something seems to have fallen in my

potato.

Martin: Those are bacon bits!

Niles: But I didn't ask for them.

Martin: I ordered all the 'fixins. You got all the 'fixins.

Niles: But I don't eat bacon because of the nitrates.

Martin: No problem. They're artificial. They're made out of soy.

Frasier: [sarcastic] They really look out for your health here,

don't they?

Niles and Frasier laugh.

Martin: [annoyed] Everybody in this restaurant's enjoying the

dinner. Can't you guys do the same?

There are a few moments of peace as they eat. Then...

Frasier: Niles...

Niles: Mmm-hmm?

Frasier: Is Maris organizing the... [smiles to himself] Arts Council

benefit again, this year?

Niles: [also smiling] Matter of fact, she is.

Frasier: Where are they holding it?

Niles: Well, they haven't picked a spot yet... perhaps I should

tell them about this place!

Frasier and Niles laugh. Martin is looking fed-up.

Niles: I'd like to be a fly on the wall that night!

Frasier: You wouldn't be the only one!

Frasier and Niles laugh hysterically. Martin finally runs out of

patience.

Martin: Alright, that's it. [throws his napkin down on the table]

I've had enough of you two jack-asses. I've spent the

whole night listening to you making cracks about the food

and the help. Well, I got news for you: people like this

place. I like this place. And when you insult this

restaurant, you insult me. [stands up] You know, I used

to think you two took after your mother, liking the

ballet and all that, but your mother liked a good ball game

too. She even had a hot dog once in a while. [reaches

into his pocket] She may have had fancy tastes, but she

had too much class to ever make me or anybody else feel

second-rate. [dumps some money onto the table] If she saw

the way you two have behaved tonight, she'd be ashamed.

I know I am.

He turns his back to them and goes to leave.

Frasier: Dad, wait!

Frasier gets up and follows Martin.

Martin: No, I'm going over to Duke's for a night-cap.

Frasier: Well, at least let us take you there!

Martin: [turns around] I'll take the cab! I've had enough of you

two for one night. Leave the waitress a good tip. She

deserves it. [turns back to the door ]

Frasier: Niles, say something!

Niles: [gets up] Dad, wait...

He runs over to the doorway...

Niles: ...the Mud Pie's coming!

But Martin has left. Frasier and Niles walk, slowly, back to their

table.

Frasier: [mocking] "The Mud Pie's coming!" I feel terrible.

Niles: Oh, so do I...

They sit down again, minus Martin.

Frasier: You know, the sad thing is, he's right about us.

Niles: Have we really become such snobs?

Frasier: You don't see anybody else driving their father out into

the street to drink, do you?

The waitress arrives to remove Martin's plate. She gives them

a withering stare and whisks the plate away without a word.

They are both mortified.

Frasier: Niles, we... we've gotta apologize to dad.

Niles: You're right.

Frasier: We'll give him a couple of hours to cool down over at Duke's,

and then when he gets home, we'll, we'll settle this thing.

Niles: Absolutely. We've been just horrid. [glances at his plate]

Frasier... do you think we've actually lost the ability to

appreciate the simple things? Steak, potatoes... ?fixins?

Frasier: I'm afraid so. [gestures at his plate] Well you know, the

thing is, this-this is, this is good food! I mean, it's

not too fancy but it's, it's, it's good, wholesome American

fare!

Niles: You know Frasier, as a tribute to dad, I think we should

sit here until we have cleaned our plates.

Frasier: Well, I'm game if you are!

They tuck in, with enthusiasm - at least initially.

Frasier: Going to prove that we are not snobs.

Niles: Absolutely.

Niles, however, cannot bring himself to eat his baked potato.

He hatches a plan to dispose of it.

Niles: Frasier...

Frasier: Hmm?

Niles: [gazing over Frasier's shoulder] Look who's here.

Frasier turns around in his chair. While he is looking away, Niles

takes his potato off his plate and tries to wrap it up in the napkin

on his lap. Frasier turns back, sees what Niles is up to, and gives

him a disapproving stare. Niles looks up, notices the stare, and

sheepishly returns the potato to his plate.

Frasier: [gesturing at Niles] Eat your meal!

FADE OUT

Credits:

The Timber Mill, even later. The restaurant seems to be closed:

the diners are gone, the chairs are stacked upside-down on the

tables, and a waiter is mopping the floor. The camera pans over

and we see the Hostess and the Waitress slumped in two chairs,

watching bored as Frasier and Niles, still at their table,

struggle to finish their food.

Guest Appearances

Guest Starring

LAURIE WALTON as Waitress

EVE BRENT as Hostess

Guest Callers

PATTI LUPONE as Pam

HARRY DEAN STANTON as Lazlo


	4. I Hate Frasier Crane

Act One

I HATE FRASIER CRANE!

Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.

It's the early evening. Frasier is playing a tune on the piano,

Martin is looking through some old police work, and Daphne is

busying herself in the kitchen. Frasier turns round to find Eddie

staring at him.

Frasier: Dad, he's doing it again! Must this dog stare at me all the time?

Martin: I don't know. Eddie - must ya? [Eddie carries on staring]

Apparently he must.

Frasier: [to Eddie:] What is so fascinating about me? What is it?

Do you imagine I am a large piece of kibble? Am I some

sort of canine enigma? Think about it, get back to me.

Daphne enters carrying a tray of food.

Daphne: Here we are, gents, dinner's up. [to Martin:] Can I give you

a hand clearing up your papers?

Martin: No, you better let me. I need to keep these in a particular

order.

Daphne: What is all this, anyway?

Martin: Oh, it's an old case of mine from the police force - the

"Weeping Lotus" murder.

Frasier: Dad, I can't believe you're still trotting this old thing up.

He's been trying to solve this case for twenty years.

Martin: Yeah, and I'm not stopping until I do solve it. You adopt

certain instincts when you're a cop. And my instinct tells

me that this case can be cracked. There just must be one

small thing I keep overlooking. [tidies papers]

Frasier: There is - who the murderer was. [laughs]

The doorbell sounds and Frasier goes to answer it as Daphne and

Martin chat.

Daphne: It's nice you feel so dedicated.

Martin: It's a hobby. Some guys build a boat in their garage, I try

to figure out why a maniac would kill a hooker and try to

stuff her entire body into a bowling bag. It's relaxing!

At this point Frasier opens the front door to Niles, who is carrying a

bottle of wine, and Rocko. They enter and Niles hands the wine to Frasier.

Frasier: Hello, Niles, Rocko.

Niles: Sorry I'm late, Frasier. Just as we were leaving, Maris had a

run-in with a rude directory assistance operator and it

shattered her calm.

Rocko: I would've been here sooner, but I had trouble finding my penthouse keys.

Frasier: That's perfectly understandable Rocko. Niles, have you ever considered that

maybe Maris is a bit high strung? Maybe she should see someone.

Rocko: Like a priest.

Niles leers at Rocko for that remark.

Niles: She's seen everyone, why do you think she was calling

directory assistance?

Daphne: Evening, Dr. Crane, Mr. Marshall.

Niles: Hello, Daphne. It's so good to see you again. [she puts the

meal down] What an enchanting scent you're wearing.

Daphne: [smells herself] Must be the ranch dressing. Won't Mrs.

Crane be coming?

Niles: No, I'm afraid. And please, no more of this "Doctor" and "Mrs.

Crane" formality. To you, it's Niles and... [stumped] er...

Frasier: Maris.

Niles: Yes, Maris.

Rocko: Ignorning that awkward moment, please don't be so formal, Daphne.

Martin: Glad you two could join us.

Niles: Oh, I wouldn't have missed it.

Rocko: That makes two of us.

Martin: Well, I guess the food's all ready: why don't we just go

ahead and start?

Everyone sits down except Daphne who begins to take her food into

the kitchen.

Daphne: Well, enjoy.

Martin: Where are you going?

Daphne: I thought I'd have mine in the kitchen.

Martin: Don't be ridiculous.

Niles: Yes, we can't have you eating by yourself in the kitchen.

I'll join you.

Martin: No. We're all eating right here, like a family, end of

discussion.

Daphne: Well, isn't this nice? Feels just like home.

Niles: I'm famished.

Frasier: Me, too.

Rocko: Aren't we all.

Niles and Frasier begin to eat...

Martin: You boys still say a prayer before you eat?

They relent and pretend they do. All five close their eyes and hold

their hands together. As Martin begins his prayer, Niles stares at

Daphne as Eddie stares at Frasier. Daphne does not notice with her

eyes shut. However, Frasier notices Eddie's skin-creeping look and

Rocko is simply going along with the prayer, ignorant of what his

friends are doing.

Martin: We thank you, Lord, for the food we're about to eat. You have

blessed our table with your palm. And thank you, Lord, for

bringing this family together and we also thank you for the

other gifts you have given to us. And may we always be able

to share with those less fortunate...

Frasier: [to Eddie:] OH, WILL YOU STOP STARING!

Niles: [off guard:] I wasn't staring!

Rocko: [still in his praying position] And I have my eyes closed.

Martin: [takes what he can get] Amen.

They all settle down. Daphne looks at Niles a little suspiciously

as he begins the meal conversation.

Niles: So Frasier, did you happen to read Derek Mann's column

today? You were mentioned.

Frasier: No, I missed it.

Niles: Just as well, it wasn't flattering.

Frasier: I still would have liked to have seen it anyway.

Niles: Oh, why didn't you say so? [takes it out of his pocket]

Daphne: If I may ask, who's Derek Mann?

Martin: He writes that "Mann About Town" column for the Times. The

things that guys comes out with, sometimes he's really funny.

Rocko: He did a collumn about a movie he saw at the theater before;

said that the Weekend at Bernie's sequel was a, quote-unquote,

'Adventure that Bernie himself was glad to be dead around.'

Martin: Anyway, what did he say about you Frasier?

Frasier: [reading:] "I hate Frasier Crane."

Martin: [laughs, then:] Oh, sorry.

Frasier: That's it. "I hate Frasier Crane." That's it?

Martin: Oh, don't let it bother you.

Frasier: Well, actually it doesn't, dad. I knew when I chose a career

in the public eye that I'd be open to certain criticisms,

it's the price I pay for my celebrity. Thank you, Niles, for

bringing me the paper, and thank you for highlighting it in

yellow! Now, who would like some wine?

Daphne: Oh, I'll have some.

Frasier goes to pour some as Niles compliments Daphne.

Niles: Daphne, this salad is exquisite.

Frasier: [sitting down:] Now why would he say that?

Martin: Must be the carrots, he always did like them.

Frasier: Not the salad, Derek Mann. I mean, why would he write a thing

like that? I've never done anything to him, the attack is

totally unwarranted. I'm a healer, for God's sake.

Martin: Oh, for crying out loud!

Rocko: Frasier come on; I liked the Weekend at Bernies sequel and

what Derek said about it didn't make any difference to me.

Frasier: Guys, I have every right to feel upset about this - I will

not enjoy my dinner until this is where it belongs - in the

trash.

Frasier goes to bin it as Niles tries to stop him.

Niles: Oh, oh, there was an article in there I wanted to save.

Martin: On what?

Niles: Nothing.

Martin: Come on, I'm interested.

Rocko: Me too.

Niles: Oh, let's drop it.

Martin: Why can't you tell us?

Niles: All right, it was all about Margaret Thatcher's secret for

growing prize-winning zinnias. Are you happy?

Martin: [beat] Not really.

Rocko: I'm not all psyched either, I don't even know what a zinnia is.

FADE OUT

OH, YEAH...

Scene Two - Radio Station.

The following afternoon Frasier is taking a call on air in his booth

as Roz listens.

Frasier: All right, Lorraine. Now, calm down and try and listen to

what I'm going to say to you. Will you do that?

Lorraine: [v.o:] Okay.

Frasier: All right, good girl. Now your problem...

Lorraine: [beep] Oh my gosh, another call waiting - someone else is

trying to get through. Do you mind if I take it?

Frasier: No, no. Go right ahead. [she does] Well, certainly a very

interesting situation she's got herself into. Don't you

think so, Roz?

Roz is busy eating and reading magazines. She has to quickly chew her

food, put down her books just for the simple:

Roz: Yes.

Lorraine: Okay, I'm back.

Frasier: All right, Lorraine. Now listen very carefully to what I'm

going to tell you. Your problem seems...

Lorraine: [beep] Oh, I'm sorry, I'll be right back.

Frasier: For someone who's got so many problems she certainly is

popular. [laughs]

Lorraine: Okay, go ahead Dr. Crane. I'm here. [beep] Oh, I don't

believe it - another call.

Frasier: Hold it there, Lorraine. The reason why you want to take

that other call is the same reason that you want to change

your career and break up with your boyfriend. You're

obsessed with what you think you're missing. The better

offer, the call on the other line. Well, you've got to take

one call at a time from now on. Fully explore and

experience each one in its turn and you'll be a stronger

person for it. Do you follow me, Lorraine?

Lorraine: Okay, I'm back!

Frasier: Thank you for your call. [hangs up] Well, we've only got

two minutes left, so I would like to end today's program on

a personal note. As some of you may know, yesterday I was

mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column. He

said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane"... "I Hate Frasier

Crane". [sarcastic:] What trenchant criticism. Move aside

Voltaire, step back in the shadows H.L. Mencken, there's a

new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek

Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his

trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this chef

t'ouerve: "I Hate Frasier Crane." A lesser critic would

have wasted our time by presenting a well thought-out,

point by point, constructive critique of this show. No, not

our Mr. Mann. So dear listeners, when Mr. Mann's column

arrives on your front doorstep - read it, enjoy it, but

above all, treasure it. For one day this man will be joining

the Pantheon of the immortals. And if we're lucky... it'll be

one day soon. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. [signs off]

Frasier presses the off air button, and twirls his microphone around

before blowing on it as if it were his weapon, then "holsters" it

in his belt.

FADE TO:

YEAH!

Scene Three - Café Nervosa.

The following afternoon Frasier is drinking a coffee in the café with

Roz when Niles and Rocko enter and sit with them.

Niles: Frasier, how funny running into you here.

Frasier: I'm always here.

Rocko: Told you, Niles.

Niles: Yes well, Frasier wasn't here twenty minutes ago: [to Frasier:] Have you seen

today's "Times"?

Frasier: [knowing what's coming:] No.

Niles: Lucky for you I saved you this copy. Take a look at Derek

Mann's column.

Frasier: You know, this is the second time in as many days that you

have given me a paper. Have you ever considered getting

yourself a route?

Niles: [to Roz:] Hello, I don't believe we've met.

Roz: Yes we have, Niles, three or four times. Roz Doyle.

Niles: Oh, of course. It was at the... it was during the... well, I'm far

too successful to feel awkward. Where did we meet?

Roz: The radio station.

Rocko: For crying out loud Niles, even I know that. I also know that she did

me a favor and in return, I convinced Mr. Hunter not to charge her for

tickets to see The Secret Garden with Frasier.

Frasier: And boy, do I not look back on seeing it.

Roz: Eh, it seemed bit too sophisticated for my taste, but getting back to

the matter at hand, we met before Niles.

Niles: Ah, I'll take your word for it. Nice to see you again. [then,

to Frasier:] Mr. Mann heard your program yesterday.

Frasier: So I see. [reading:] "Yesterday afternoon, Dr. Frasier Crane

got on my case for not giving him a point by point criticism

of his radio show. Well, he asked for it, so here goes."

Roz: [noticing:] Oh my god, his entire column is about your show.

Niles: Not very flattering either. Towards the end he even attacks

your "dimwitted sidekick call screener."

Roz: [appalled:] That's me!

Niles: Oh, now I remember you!

Rocko: [sarcastically:] How quaint of you, Niles.

Frasier: [reading:] "It's hard to say what I hate most about Crane's

show — his pompous, sanctimonious style, his constant self-

congratulatory references to his own life, or his voice: a mock-

sympathetic tone so sickly sweet one wonders if the man

graduated from medical school or from some mind-controlling

cult."

Niles: It's continued on twelve.

Frasier: I've read enough!

Waiter: [asking:] Can I get you something?

Frasier: [to Niles:] How can the man think something like that?

Waiter: It's my job, I'm a waiter.

Frasier: We don't want anything, thank you.

Roz: Frasier, I know this stinks, but in a couple of days it'll

blow over.

Rocko: Yeah, come on Frasier, to hell with Mann and his confound column.

Frasier: Oh, perhaps the two of you are right. As angry as it makes me, to

retaliate would be to stoop to his level. So the best

response is no response at all.

With that, Frasier takes his leave and heads out of Nervosa while his

brother and friends remain at the table.

Rocko: He's not going to let this go is he?

Roz: Knowing Frasier, that would be a 'yes'.

Niles: Oh I don't know you two, maybe he will.

FADE TO:

Scene Four - Radio Station.

Soon after these comments he is already shouting into his microphone

about the recent newspaper report.

Frasier: [angry:] "Pompous and sanctimonious," am I?! Well, this Mann

character can't even write grammatical sentences! Every

five words there's one of his precious "dot, dot, dots."

Must be because he likes writing all those dots with the

crayon he writes this drivel in!

Roz, who looks like she has been listening to him rant for quite

a while, tries to steer him back to the show.

Roz: Dr. Crane, on line two we have Stewart who's having a

problem with delayed gratification.

Frasier: Well, he's just going to have to wait! I don't know who this

Derek Mann thinks he is, but if he thinks he can hide behind

his newspaper like some sniveling schoolchild cowering

behind a tree, then I say let's expose this Derek Mann for

what he is: not a man at all, but half a man! [to Roz:] Now

what line did you say Stewart was on?

Roz: He hung up.

Frasier: Well, I'm leaving all sorts of bodies in my wake today.

Let's see who's on line five. [he presses button:] Hello,

this is Dr. Frasier Crane - I'm listening.

Derek: [v.o:] Good, because I was listening too.

Frasier: And you are?

Derek: Derek Mann.

Frasier: [regretting:] I see.

Derek: Look, nobody calls me half a man - especially some Ivy League

twit. So what do you say we settle this like men?

Frasier: Are you implying that you want to fight me?

Derek: I'm not implying, I'm saying.

Frasier: Fight, as in a fist fight?

Derek: [sarcastic:] No, I thought we might throw pies at each

other! So are you up to it, or aren't you man enough?

Frasier: [thinks] We'll be right back after these messages.

Frasier signs off for commercials as we fade out.

End Of Act One. (Time: 11:05)

Act Two.

Scene One - Radio Station.

The scene resumes where we left off. The commercials have finished

and Frasier gets back to his radio show.

Frasier: And we're back. Well, we have a surprise caller on the line:

Derek Mann.

Derek: [v.o:] So what's it going to be, Crane, are you going to

fight me or not?

Frasier: Oh, you can't be serious.

Derek: Just like I figured, you're chicken.

Frasier: No, I just don't think that civilized people behave that

way. You know, Roz, perhaps our listeners have an opinion

about that subject? Who do we have on the line?

Roz: Well, lines one through eight are people who think you're chicken.

Derek: You're chicken, Crane. Admit it!

Frasier: I am not chicken!

Derek: [squawks like a chicken]

Frasier: We are mature thinking people, not cavemen!

Derek: [squawks some more]

Frasier: Alright, if you want a fight so bad, I'll give you a fight!

You just say the time and place!

Derek: Kinsley square, right outside your office, by the old

statue. Noon tomorrow. Don't back out!

Frasier: I won't! Don't you back out either because I know where your

office is too, and I know where you live, and I'll track you

down! Now who else out there wants a piece of me?!

FADE TO:

ET TU, EDDIE?

Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.

That evening Martin is searching through his old case as Daphne

passes him.

Daphne: Having a look at that old murder case again?

Martin: Yeah, I've dug out the old crime scene photos.

Daphne: Well, don't be a greedy guts - let me have a look.

Daphne has a look at the photo of the girl. After a while her psychic

powers kick in.

Daphne: Her name was Helen.

Martin: Yeah, it was. [knowing her trick:] Ah, you must have seen it

on some of my papers I've had lying around here.

Daphne: No, I just got this feeling when I touched the picture.

Martin: You're putting me on.

Daphne: She had a lot of men in her life.

Martin: No kidding: she was a hooker!

Daphne: No, I mean she had four brothers.

Martin: [surprised:] That's amazing. She did have four brothers.

What else are you getting? Well, come on, tell me more.

Daphne: I can't just turn it on and off like a faucet.

Martin: Give it a try, will you? Please. What else are you getting?

Daphne: Nothing. [suddenly:] No, wait. I see a man.

Martin: Yeah?

Daphne: A well-dressed man. He's wearing wing tips and a trench coat.

Martin: Yeah? Yeah?

Daphne: He's getting off an elevator... he's walking down a long

hallway... she doesn't know he's coming... he's opening the

door...

At this moment, a well-dressed man enters the apartment wearing wing

tips and a trench coat - it's Frasier.

Frasier: Hello, everyone.

Daphne: Sometimes I get my signals crossed.

Frasier: What's going on?

Martin: Well - unless you killed a hooker when you were twelve -

nothing much!

Daphne: We heard your show today. I just loved the way you handled

that Derek Mann.

Martin: You made your old man proud. Yet the best part was when he

challenged you to a fight and you stood right up to him.

Frasier: [worried:] Yes I did, didn't I?

Martin: I can't wait to see that.

Frasier: Oh, I'm not actually going to go through with it, dad.

Martin: What are you talking about?

Frasier: Well, I already won our little war of words. What would I

stand to benefit by going through with actually going

through with a fist fight?

Martin: Frasier, maybe I'm misunderstanding here... he challenged

you and you're backing down?

Frasier: Well, mature people are supposed to use their intellect to

settle their differences.

Martin: A man doesn't just turn his tail and run - that's not the

way I brought you up.

Frasier: Are you encouraging me to fight?

Martin: You bet I am - you gave the guy your word.

Frasier: Yes, but I didn't even know what I was saying - I hadn't even

had lunch yet.

Martin: I might have known this would have happened. It's Billy Kreizel

all over again.

Frasier: What did you say?

Martin: Something about a Billy Kreizel, I believe.

Frasier: I can't believe you're dragging that up - that was thirty

years ago.

Daphne: Who's this Billy Kreizel?

Frasier: Oh, he was this kid in fifth grade that used to torment me!

Martin: So one day Frasier made fun of Billy's crewcut.

Frasier: Well, he started it by making fun of the elbow patches on my

blazer!

Martin: Well, the point is, they were supposed to meet for a fight

after school. Only "Patches" here didn't show up!

Frasier: I had a clarinet lesson!

Martin: You don't need to remind me of that! Billy's old man was a

cop, too. Boy, the guys rode me about that excuse of yours for

years. Every time I couldn't make it out for a drink they

used to say, "What's the matter? You got a clarinet lesson?"

Daphne: [wondering:] Couldn't you and Billy have met after the

clarinet lesson?

Frasier: Daphne, would you please excuse us for a moment!

Daphne: [gets up:] I have a feeling I'm going to be excused quite a

lot in this house.

She exits to the kitchen.

Frasier: [sarcastic:] Dad, I am sorry if I embarrassed you for not

fighting Billy Kreizel thirty years ago. But the situation

is not the same now.

Martin: It's exactly the same.

Frasier: I am an adult now, I've been to medical school, I hold a

certain position in this city - I do not settle my

differences with brawling.

Martin: The man challenged you and you accepted.

Frasier: Dad, I can't believe this. You won't be happy until I come

home with a black eye.

Martin: I just want you to do what you said you were going to do.

You know, you can talk about your medical school, your

intellect, your place in this city, but you know what? It's

all one big clarinet lesson... I can't even look at you.

Martin exits to the kitchen, angry with his son. Frasier is left with

little dignity and looks at Eddie for a little support. However, even

Eddie turns his face away from him. Frasier can only sulk.

[N.B. Billy Kreizel is the name of a boy who bullied director David Lee

in the sixth grade.]

FADE TO:

REQUIEM FOR A LIGHTWEIGHT

Scene Three - Café Nervosa.

The next day, Frasier is preparing for the big fight whilst chatting

with Roz and Rocko.

Roz: So, I step out of the shower, I look out of the window and I

notice the garbage man looking right in at me. So I say,

"Did you get a good look?" And he says, "Not completely,

turn around." Then he smiled, and he's missing a tooth,

and that's when the romance went right out of it for me.

Frasier: Roz, why are you telling me this story?

Rocko: With all due respect Roz, I'm not invested in it either.

Roz: I'm trying to take Frasier's mind of the fact that in five

minutes he's going to walk right out into that square and

get his clock cleaned.

Rocko: Well, let me something. [to Frasier] Do you really want to

go through with this?

Frasier: You guys, has it ever occurred to you that I might actually win

this fight?

Roz: Your shoe's untied. [Frasier checks his tied shoes] If you

fell for that one, you're going down and you're going down

hard.

Rocko: She maybe right Frasier, I mean I use that trick on my obnoxious

cousin all the time in order to psyche him out when he annoys

me.

Frasier: [deadpan] I wonder what you do next?

Rocko: Usually just flick his nose.

Niles: [enters] Frasier, there's quite a crowd forming out there.

Secretaries with bag lunches, business men, children with

balloons...

Frasier: All that's missing is a mariachi band.

Niles: They're setting up.

Roz: Well, Rocko and I better go find a great place in the crowd. We'll be

off to the left, Frasier, for when you tear his ear off and

want to throw it to a beautiful senorita.

Rocko: Or a handsome senior.

They leave the Café. Niles looks at Frasier.

Niles: Frasier, as your brother and as your friend - why are you

doing this?

Frasier: It's Billy Kreizel.

Niles: [looking around:] Where?

Frasier: [shakes head] He's not here, Niles. It's just that I ran away

from him when I was ten.

Niles: I remember.

Frasier: You know, I've been running ever since. You know, this is

where it stops. I'm not running anymore.

Niles: What is it that makes us Crane boys such targets?

As he says this, he takes his nail file out of his coat pocket

and buffs his nails. He blows on them and offers the file to

Frasier which he refuses.

Frasier: [sarcastic:] Chalk it up to random violence!

Niles nods in agreement and exits the café. Martin enters.

Martin: Hey, there.

Frasier: Dad? What are you doing here?

Martin: Look son, I said a couple of things last night that maybe

went over the line.

Frasier: Look dad, if you were worried that you talked me into

something that I wasn't ready to do — well, you're wrong.

You can relax. I took this on for myself.

Martin: Good.

Frasier: Who told you that I was going through with it, anyway?

Martin: Oh, let's just say a father knows certain things about his son.

They smile. Daphne enters.

Daphne: Good news, I parked in front of a broken meter. We're getting

a freebie. Well, good luck, Dr. Crane, with the fight.

Frasier: Thank you, Daphne. Any psychic predictions on the outcome?

Daphne: Actually, yes. But don't worry, I'm frequently wrong.

Frasier removes his jacket and tie. Niles comes in.

Niles: Frasier, Frasier, there's something I want you to see.

[points out of window:] There, the man standing to the left

of the statue - I recognize his picture from the newspaper,

that's Derek Mann.

Frasier: He's gigantic!

Daphne: [looking out:] My God, you could show a movie on his back!

Martin: Are you sure you want to go through with this?

Frasier: Yes, yes I am.

Frasier throws a few shadow punches to loosen himself up.

Martin: Good, you'll be fine. Just remember this is a street fight

and not a boxing match. So fight dirty and throw the first

punch!

Daphne: I found that a swift knee to the groin usually does the

trick. [cocky:] If you have any doubts, check with a fellow

in Manchester named Nigel Tavers.

Niles: [begins to leave:] Well, if we want an unobstructed view...

Frasier: [stops him:] Look, I prefer if you guys stay here. You'll

only make me nervous.

Martin: Whatever you want.

They all wish Frasier good luck. As he exits the mariachi band

strikes up. They all move over to the window to look out.

Martin: They've got a mariachi band out there!

Niles: I'll have to get their card, I need someone for our summer

barbeque.

Daphne: Oh look, they're starting the fight.

Martin: Nah, they're just circling, sizing each other up. Come on,

Frasier, if you're going to hit him, hit him now!

They all shout encouragements, then police sirens are heard.

Niles: Is that the police?

Martin: Yeah, what are they doing here?

Daphne: They're breaking it up! Just when they were getting started.

Shouts are heard from the crowd hurling insults at the police force.

The officer marches Frasier right into the Café.

Frasier: Alright, I'll come along peacefully - let me just get my

jacket.

Officer: Relax, I'm not arresting you. But I'm warning you that in

this town we don't settle our differences with street fights

\- no matter who you are.

Frasier: Well thank you, officer, you'll have no more trouble from me.

Officer: Okay. [exits]

Frasier: Dad, dad, did you see me? My hands are trembling, my chest

is pounding, my mouth is all dry, my knees are like jello...

God, I feel great!

Martin: You did good.

Frasier: Yeah, I was out there. I was raring to go, you saw that...

Martin: I know you were. You would have kicked his butt!

Daphne: From here to Tacoma.

Niles: [shouting:] I think we should celebrate! Everyone, a round

of victory lattes on me.

As the gang celebrate, Martin walks up to the officer on the door.

Martin: Thanks Harry, I owe you one.

Officer: No problem, Marty.

Martin: You cut it pretty close, though. Another minute, then Frasier

would have been sidewalk litter. He would have been lunch

meat.

Officer: Say, some of the guys are getting together later at Duke's.

Why don't you come along?

Martin: Yeah, maybe I will. And you know why I will? Because the

Crane boys don't take clarinet lessons anymore.

Officer: What the hell are you talking about?

Martin: [embarrassed:] Oh that's right, you weren't in my precinct.

End Of Act Two. (Time: 21:10)

Credits:

Frasier's Apartment:

Eddie is sat on a chair staring at a picture of Frasier looking mad.

He doesn't take his eyes off him.

Guest Appearances

Guest Starring

JOHN BRANDON as Officer

DEAN ERICSON as Waiter

Guest Callers

JOE MANTEGNA as Derek Mann

JUDITH IVEY as Lorraine


End file.
